Forget Me Not
by Andromeda Writes
Summary: After suffering a traumatic brain injury during the war, Cress wakes up in the hospital. She can't remember any of it.
1. Chapter 00

**Disclaimer** : I do not own the Lunar Chronicles or any of the characters or settings! Thank god!

Cress sat on the crate and swung her legs forward, banging them against the crate each time they fell again. She stared down at her knees as Wolf paced in front of her, nervous energy rolling off of him. Sometimes his energy was palpable, and she almost thought they had been wrong all along to call her a shell. But no, that was just Wolf.

She slipped her head up to regard him. They were alone in the room, save for Darla's presence, but unlike what she had heard of Iko's escapades as the Rampion, Darla was much more… respectful of privacy. If only because she wasn't as emotionally affected by it as Iko seemed to be, even as an android.

"Hey, Wolf?"

Her voice was quiet; she was sure he wouldn't be able to hear her had he not had advanced hearing.

He stopped pacing so quickly it nearly made him fall over. He hadn't been expecting her to speak at all. "Yeah?"

"Why did you choose to save Scarlet, knowing it could get you killed?"

He started pacing again. They would be in the Queen's palace in less than twelve hours, Cress dismantling the security from the safe house. She had spent weeks tweaking what little technology was there so she could use it without being tracked–at least for a while. She wasn't sure exactly how long she could stave off detection. Cinder had asked her for two hours, at most. After that, Cress would have more guards turned to their side to protect her.

Wolf visibly tensed at the sound of Scarlet's name. "She-she's-"

"Your alpha star," she finished.

"Yeah."

Cress chewed her lip. "But was she before that? Before the Opera House?"

She had heard from Cinder what she and Thorne had learned about what happened in the Opera House in Paris, and it had not been a net drama-worthy story. Not one that wouldn't have forced her under her desk in utter fear of the evils that exist in the world, at least.

He clenched his fists, still pacing, still pacing. "No. She was important to me, though, even if it'd only been a day. Eventually you realize that some things are worth scarring for, worth bruising for. Scarlet was worth it all and more."

She took the words and tucked them deep into her heart for safe keeping.

* * *

Cress was not supposed to leave the safe house.

But when the guards arrived, and one had informed her of how things had turned as they were leaving the palace, she _had_ to go. The security was down, for now. She had time. She had to do something, and it didn't involve standing there and hoping her friends didn't die. Kai had only stayed behind when Cress reminded him that he had an entire country to return to, though she knew it had never been far from his mind.

She took the secret tunnel that connected the safe house to the palace, which Winter had had made by guards who had been on her side since the beginning of her small, personal rebellion.

She ran as fast as her small legs and average lungs could take her.

Cinder and Wolf were in the Throne room, according to the guards, and they were advancing on Levana, while Thorne was fending off any thaumaturges that were coming towards them. Cinder's control was stretched between Wolf and Thorne, who wasn't even in the same room as her. Cress had to help.

She was heaving air in and out as she rounded corners, following her vague memory of the palace blueprints they had been studying for the last week. She dodged dead bodies, scaled over forgotten weapons and jumped over puddles of blood as if none of it was there. She had grabbed a single gun from the ground as she neared her destination, though the only time she had ever held one was when she was aiming for Thorne on that rooftop. But she couldn't go in unarmed.

She skidded into view of the throne room, bracing herself on her knees to try and catch her breath.

Thorne was surrounded by three thaumaturges, and no one noticed Cress. No one could sense her, and she was too little to make enough noise to break through the tension in the air.

She had to save him. There was no way Cinder could keep her control up for much longer, not with Levana in the same room. But Cress knew that Cinder was stronger than Levana, even if the wretched queen would never let the words be spoken.

She raised the gun, kept both eyes open, just as she had noted Thorne doing when he was practicing his aim. She'd noticed him doing a lot of things.

The thaumaturge was just in line with the barrel of her gun. Bracing herself for the kickback, she planted her feet and held the gun with both hands.

She fired.

The bullet had only grazed the thaumaturge's neck, but it was enough to change the tide of the standoff.

Every head snapped to her.

"C-Cress?" Throne was visibly struggling to speak over the clamps Cinder had on his mind. "You aren't supposed to be here!"

"I have to help you," she said, her voice firm, though still with that childish tone to it.

The most horrid laugh cut through them. Aimery. Stars above, why did it have to be _Aimery?_ "Good stars, a _shell_? This is who was sent to save you?"

Cress lifted the gun and fired again, no hesitation, and it had given her more luck this time.

It hit a thaumaturge right in the stomach, and he collapsed to the floor. Maybe not dead, but useless nonetheless.

If only it had been Aimery.

Thorne nodded at her, and prepared for a fight with a renewed hope clear in his eyes.

They were no longer outnumbered, but there was a grave power imbalance.

And, stars and galaxies above, _why_ did it have to be _Aimery_?

There was shouting from the Throne room, but they couldn't lose their focus. Not with Aimery's smug grin cutting through Cress's hope like the sharpest sword.

Thorne managed to get a shot off in the other thaumaturge, who'd been taunting him with his own gun, promising an afterlife that Thorne would prefer.

Aimery was the only one left, tapping the barrel of his gun against his temple as he paced around Thorne, musing about being tested by an Earthen and a pathetic shell.

Cress realized that he was slowly breaking through Cinder's control. Thorne's fingers twitched, the gun in his hand stabilizing, the fear blooming in his eyes.

She had to act, and she had to act fast.

Whatever she had to do, it would not end well for her.

 _Some things are worth scarring for_ , Wolf had told her.

Thorne was worth scarring for, worth bruising for.

As his back was turned from her, she slowly set the gun on the ground, and then she pushed off of her back foot and lunged at him.

Aimery hardly budged, but she knew it would be enough for him to even momentarily lose his control.

But he pushed her back, far stronger than she could have ever hoped to be, and all she felt was searing pain in her skull, all she heard was a bang, and then there was nothing.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : See! I told you guys I was working on something! This is my next multi-chapter fic. It's gonna be centered around our darling Cress and, yeah! It won't be super long, but I'm pretty excited about it. :) I have the next chapter written, and the one after that is just about finished! I won't be writing much the next week, but I'll try to get on top of it after that! I hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 01

_She was lying on a stiff cot. Her back was sore and she felt nothing but exhaustion and anxiety. She was tired. It was all she had been for weeks. They would be on Luna soon, and it was the only thing she could think about. Well–that, and the hand that was clasping hers. It was warm and big and its thumb was stroking the back of hers. She let out a groan, not ready for the day to begin. She had had a beautiful dream. In the dream, she was with_ him _and they were happy and safe and in love. They were happy now, but they were not safe, and perhaps he was not in love with her yet._

 _Someone gave her hand a light squeeze._

" _Morning," said a voice._

 _Everything was blurry when she finally pried her eyelids open, and she couldn't make out details, but she knew who was in front of her, who was speaking–or she should have. Faces and names weren't coming to mind, but it didn't matter. Warmth surrounded her heart and she smiled. A sense of elation filled her–they were finally together. She was still in shock, though it'd been a few days at this point. "Morning."_

 _He planted his lips on hers briefly and she reached up to touch his face with her free hand, stubble scratching her fingers._

" _How did you sleep?"_

" _Terribly."_

 _A laugh. "Me too. Wasn't so bad with you here, though."_

 _She blinked a few times, trying to make out the vision of who was in front of her. The image didn't sharpen. She noticed that he was smiling–a glint of white cutting through the blur of flesh–whoever he was. And perhaps he was handsome, too. Something in her heart was promising that he was, and that she loved him._

 _Slowly, he started to come into focus._

 _But then the image crumbled._

 _Everything was dark. And she felt utterly hollow._

She inhaled sharply as her eyes opened, as if she hadn't been breathing while asleep.

But she instantly regretted it, because the fluorescent lights above her were blinding and her head was _pounding_. As if she hadn't seen light in days. She cringed a bit, instinctually shutting one of her eyes to help them adjust.

The last thing she remembered was being on the satellite, though that felt as though it was so long ago. Was she still 15? Where was Mistress Sybil, and why was she in a hospital bed? Had there been an accident? _Was she on_ Earth?

She squeezed her eyes shut, tried to think of why she was here. Everything was unfamiliar. Wrong. So, so wrong.

"Cress?"

An unfamiliar voice. Not Little Cress, not Mistress Sybil.

 _Male_. She didn't know any men….

Unfamiliar, but she felt like she should know it. Something was pricking at the back of her mind, but the memory slipped away just as she reached out for it.

Unsure, Cress called up a tactic she knew well. "I am a soap opera star," she muttered to herself, just quiet enough so he couldn't hear. "This is my starring role. I have to get all the lines right."

She risked a glance at him.

His face lit up. Maybe he would be handsome if he didn't look so dirty and as though he hadn't seen a razor or pair of scissors in two months.

She began to be aware of her body, of how strange it felt. Her head felt light and she wasn't wrapped in hair. Tentatively, she lifted a hand. She still had hair, yes, but it was… _short_.

"Where am I?" It was the only question that came to mind–well, just before she wondered who the man was sitting in front of her. How did he know who she was? Did he rescue her from the satellite? Was he a long-lost brother? Then, where were her parents and why couldn't she remember anything?

He took her hand and she jumped a bit. "You hit your head pretty bad when that thaumaturge attacked you, but I got him, don't worry. You're in the medical wing of the palace in the Eastern Commonwealth."

"Eastern Commonwealth? On Earth?!"

"Well, yeah."

She blinked, surprised, but she had plenty of questions still to ask.

"Thaumaturge? You mean Mistress Sybil?"

His brow creased. "Sybil's _been_ dead, Cress. You were so brave when you stood up to her. Don't you remember?"

Panic started to set in. What'd happened to Mistress Sybil? She'd _stood up_ to her? Cress would never! She would never disobey Mistress Sybil like that! "What's going on?"

"Cress?"

"Who are you?" Her panic was coming through, her heart palpitating. The heart monitor over her bed was beeping rapidly. Everything was too loud and too close and she felt like she was being suffocated.

The man stood and clasped a bandaged hand over his mouth. He said nothing as he backed away and called out for someone.

A tall, tan girl came in next. She had a metal hand and her pant legs were rolled up, revealing one human and one synthetic leg and metal foot.

He said something to her before leaving the room, looking as though he could no longer stand to be there.

The girl regarded her. "Hey, Cress," she said, smiling. "How do you feel?"

Maybe she was a doctor, but she didn't look like one. "Confused. Who was that?"

"A friend. Thorne," she replied. "Captain Thorne? Carswell Thorne? Is that ringing a bell?"

Cress shook her head. "Who are you?"

"Cinder." The girl walked to her bedside and the heart monitor began to calm a bit. "Do you remember anything?"

"No."

"How old are you?"

"I… I think I'm 15, but I feel like that's wrong."

Cinder grimaced. "You've been sixteen for a few months now." She sighed. "Memory loss," she said. "That's not good."

"What have I missed?"

Cinder smiled. "Later. I don't want to overwhelm you."

Cress looked away. "So, a lot, then."

"You were great, Cress. I'm glad you're okay, even if you can't remember anything. I hope you get your memory back, because we'll never be able to do justice how great you were."

"I was?" She stared down at her hands, calculating. Was this some sort of dream?

The very fact that she wasn't in a satellite and that she seemed to have… friends… was strange. Horrifying, almost. It couldn't be real.

She looked at the now-empty chair that was next to her bed. She wondered how long the man had sat there. What did Cinder call him? Thorne? "Who is he?" she asked, still staring at the seat.

Cinder shrugged. "Not who he used to be," she muttered. "But that's a good thing. You'll figure out everything soon enough."

"Who is he?" she asked again, frustrated. "Stop treating me like a child."

The cyborg winced. "You guys were a thing."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, you weren't official, but you were pretty into each other."

Her heart sank. "We were… dating?"

Cinder reached out and took her hand. "Yeah. It's going to be pretty tough for him knowing you don't remember how you felt about him."

Tears pricked her eyes. She felt like a disappointment, which was almost nice, in a sick way because it was such a familiar emotion. She felt a lot of things, none of them good. She wished she could remember him, it would make everything so much easier. "Oh."

"Don't blame yourself for this, Cress."

"This is so horrible." A tear fell. Then, she shook it away. "But I don't get it. In all the net dramas, whenever someone has memory loss, their partner just kisses them and it makes them remember everything! Clearly we weren't that serious if he just left instead of trying to fix it!"

Cinder studied her. "You'll find that real life is much more disappointing, Cress."

"How long has it been?" she asked now. Her mind was swimming with questions and it was so hard to focus on just one.

All she'd known her entire life was that satellite. What had caused everything to change? She was on Earth. She seemed to have friends, and no memory of how she got them.

"You've been out for a few days," Cinder replied. "Medical-induced coma."

"We knew you'd come out of it though," said an older voice. A white lab coat. A doctor. "How are you feeling, Crescent?"

Cress sighed. How many times would someone ask her that before giving her any answers? "Confused!"

"Memory loss," Cinder muttered to him. "She can't remember anything. She thinks she should still be on the satellite."

The lines in the old doctor's face creased. He held his portscreen up and typed in a few things. "Retrograde Amnesia. Common with severe head injuries."

The cyborg seemed to lose focus for a moment, just before she shoved her hand in her hair. "There's a slim chance she'll regain her memories."

"Correct. Triggering memory retrieval is not something we've managed to pin down. The brain is a fascinating specimen. Humans have been around for thousands of years and we still have not figured it out yet." He frowned. "As you've said, there's a good chance Cress may never recover her memories, and there's not really something to act as a catalyst for triggering the memories."

Cress dropped her head. Nothing at all like the net dramas. "It's okay," she said. "I'm used to not having any friends or family."

"Cress, no. We're still your friends. It'll just take some time to rebuild what we had." Cinder gingerly patted Cress's hand, the one with an IV sticking out of it. "You're not alone. Not like you were on the satellite."

Tears clouded her vision. "When can I leave the hospital?"

Cinder cleared her throat. "You're not really in a hospital. We're in the palace."

"On _Earth_ ," Cress felt the need to add.

"A hospital setting nonetheless," the doctor said. He smiled at her. "Not right now. A few more days to make sure the swelling in your brain is completely down and that there's no trauma we haven't overlooked. After that, you're free."

Cress's eyes traveled to the ceiling. A few days, that's all she had to get through. It would be overwhelming, she knew, but then, like the doctor said, she would be _free_.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : Chapter 1! I'm **hoping** to update this weekly like I did TWP, but as I've only just started working on chapter 3, I'm not too sure. I'll have more time to write in the upcoming weeks, so maaaaaaybe I can get a little ahead. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! And please, please, please review! Reviews make my day.


	3. Chapter 02

Her second day in the hospital was not at all what she expected. For the most part, she realized that she'd finally felt something other than loneliness for once in her life. Though it was slightly terrifying and she didn't know anyone, Cress still felt… something. And it was a nice sort of something, as though she didn't have to fear for her life and safety anymore. But she still had a lot to work through.

She was nervous when a girl–Scarlet, she'd introduced herself as–asked her if she could hang out for a while. Scarlet had been instructed to do a walk around the palace research wing when she could to get her muscles used to working properly again. That day, she had heard that Cress was awake, and she wanted to see her.

Cress pushed her back into the mattress and gave a nervous smile as the stranger gave her introductions. "What happened to your finger?" Cress had asked.

Scarlet simply shook her head as if she were trying to clear it and grinned. "It was the price I paid for loyalty. But it's no real loss to me. Besides, I quite like this metal pinky. You'd be surprised how necessary your littlest finger is."

She ran her fully-human hand through her bushel of curls. "I hear you don't remember anything."

Cress nodded in reply.

"You and Wolf were great at the palace, you know. Your skills are phenomenal! Well, that's what he keeps telling me. I wish I could've been there to see it myself."

Cress only blinked at her, trying to call forth the memories of this event, trying to figure out her worth. She had _value_ to these people, and it was hard for her to wrap her mind around. A useless shell. A prisoner. Valuable. _Loved_. It was almost frustrating how overwhelming all of it was. Even still suspicious that it was all just a fever dream of sorts and that she would wake up to her lonely satellite again, Cress tried to bask in it. In the attention, though sometimes it made her want to shrink back into solitude again.

Her fantasies were helping. Pretending to be a soap opera star was her go-to, and it worked the best. She tended to stick with it, pretending as though there were a camera facing her at all times. A director calling the shots, the doctors and nurses fake, their questions scripted. Her friends were only fellow co-stars. It was hard-won and seemed to stick. She thanked all of the stars for that.

"Who… who's Wolf?" she asked.

Scarlet began to pace the room. Cress assumed it was because she was supposed to be using this time to "exercise" anyway, so no reason to just stand in one spot. "He was a former LSOP operative." Cress's eyes widened. The LSOPs had been a secret on Luna for over a decade, and Cress knew all about them. "His original objective was to kidnap me to get information from my grand-mère, but..." Scarlet paused, considering. "He has a heart. I think they all do if they're not in the presence of their thaumaturges."

Cress rolled the words over in her head. A LSOP operative on their side had probably done a lot of damage, considering only the most skilled Lunars could control them.

"He raved for ten minutes straight about when you took down the palace security system," Scarlet continued.

Cress's eyes bulged. "Palace security system?! Like, the Eastern Commonwealth palace's security system?"

"That very one." Scarlet turned on her heel and headed toward the other side of the small recovery room. "Not to mention what you did once you guys finally arrived on Luna."

Her gut twisted. She had gone to _Luna_? The wretched satellite that condemned her from birth? "L-Luna?" she sputtered.

Scarlet softened. "Right, you don't remember."

Cress started picking at her nails anxiously. She had a lot of questions swarming her head, each one promising that an answer to it would bring her memory back completely.

She plucked out one that seemed the most important.

"Scarlet? Can… can you tell me about Thorne? Did I really love him?"

Scarlet chewed her lip for a moment, considering. "I can't say. I only saw you two during the war, and you seemed rather enamored with him. But listen, Cress, you don't remember anything from before you got off that satellite. I think that, instead of chasing after how you felt for Thorne, maybe… take some time to get to know yourself. You don't know what kind of person you are on Earth, and that's okay. It's okay to be confused, especially since you're still young. You have people here to support you every step. Whether or not you end up with Thorne, it shouldn't matter right now. You need to figure you out. Being in a relationship, especially with someone who's so much older and with a lot more experiences than you, isn't the best idea right now."

Cress cocked her head to the side. "How old is he?"

"Twenty."

"It's only a 4 year difference!"

"Cress, you spent half of your life in a satellite."

That was a good point.

Scarlet bit her lip. "He came to see me yesterday, after you didn't recognize him. You know what he said to me?" Instead of waiting for an answer, she sighed. "He said that it's a good thing you broke his heart first, before he had the chance to break yours. I need you to understand, Cress. I know it's hard to hear these things, especially since you're so confused, but I care about you. Thorne, he... he just isn't good for you."

Silence filled the too-small room, suffocating her. She'd never thought she would be the one to break anyone's heart, especially considering she expected to live and die in that stupid satellite.

Scarlet sighed again. "I'm sorry to have upset you, Cress. I just want you to understand." She paused. "I can go."

"No, please don't," said Cress, though she was unsure as to why she wanted the woman to stay.

Cress mulled over the advice, going over every word in her head. It made sense, and besides–she didn't know at all how she felt about Thorne, not now and not before. Maybe it was best that she forget about him, maybe she had lost her memories for a reason.

She started to say something when there was a knock at the door, and then it was pushed open.

"Speak of the Devil," Scarlet muttered, just loud enough for Cress to hear it over the consistent beep of her heart monitor.

"Hey," said Thorne. "How are you feeling today?"

Cress bit the inside of her cheek and glanced at Scarlet, whose eyes locked on hers in a meaningful sort of way. She looked back at Thorne. "I'm fine, thank you."

"I talked to the doctor on my way here. He said that if you were up to it, you can get out of that bed and go for a walk or something. Anything to get you out of this room. You've gotta be lonely in here."

Not like she'd had much of a chance to be alone in the last day and a half she'd been awake. "Sort of," she lied. "But I'm not really… I'm not feeling up for a walk. I'm still a little disoriented."

His smile seemed faked. "I can understand that. You've been out for a while. I, uh, can I hang out?"

"We were talking about something, actually," Scarlet said. "I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors and too much conversation."

His smile faltered as he looked at her. "Oh. Yeah, that's probably best. I'll catch you guys later."

He gave Cress one last withering look before disappearing into the corridor, the door sealing shut behind him.

Cress frowned. "That was… I lied to him! Why?"

Scarlet looked at her. "What do you mean?"

"I told him I was lonely. I'm not lonely in here."

The redhead quirked a brow. "Really?"

"My only friend for 7 years was a computer program that I made when I was ten," she said, her voice small. "But the only time I don't have someone in here is when I'm sleeping, and even then…."

"You're not alone, that doesn't mean you aren't lonely."

"But I'm not lonely!" She felt a tear slip through, trailing warm down her cheek. "I just… I have friends. I don't remember them, and I'm so confused, Scarlet, but I have friends!"

Scarlet's smile was gentle. "You do. We care about you a lot. I haven't known you for as long as the others, but you're important, Cress. You deserve happiness."

Happiness. The word was so foreign to her, something found only in her favorite programs, with actors playing characters who were allowed to feel that, were allowed to feel like the world wasn't such a horrible place.

And maybe it wasn't just a fictional concept. Perhaps, happiness was a real thing that she could experience.

That was a good feeling.


	4. Chapter 03

Wiping the sleep from her eyes, Cress sat up and focused her eyes on the TV over her bed. She'd had the med droid restrict visitors for the time being, wanting some peace from the doctors and frequent visitors. Commanding the netscreen to turn on to the world news, she settled in with her small breakfast and caught up on current events, to see if anything would jog her memory.

She massaged her temples as she watched the anchor give an animated interview to a dark-skinned woman on the television. The caption beneath the woman's live vid-feed said she was Queen Winter Hayle of Luna, though Cress was pretty certain that they did not allow cameras on Luna, especially not cameras for the _queen_.

Cress did, however, remember Winter. She was Queen Levana's step-daughter, without a drop of royal blood, and still Luna had allegedly fully accepted her as their new queen. Cress was utterly taken by how gorgeous the queen was, with ebony skin and caramel eyes and the reddest of lips, the cloud of black hair surrounding her head in twists with the tiara placed atop.

"…all of the remaining thaumaturges loyal to Levana have completed their trials and are now serving the time for the atrocities they committed while the former queen was in power."

The anchor nodded. "Can you tell us why Her Highness, Princess Selene, abdicated the throne to you, Your Majesty?"

"Luna is not a world that Selene knows. She is unaware of our politics and of our government's inner workings. Though I believe the Lunar people would have gladly accepted her as their queen, she feared that she would not be able to fix the problems we are facing, and because I was raised in the royal family, I have thought much of what we can do. Though I offered to be her advisor, she declined."

The anchor's eyes seemed to glow. "Do you believe it could be because of her alleged affair with Emperor Kai of the Eastern Commonwealth?"

Something in the queen's eyes softened. "I cannot be sure." She quickly changed the subject. "I do hope she finds time to visit me. Selene was my cousin and my best friend when we were children, and I would love to rekindle that friendship. My familial love for her has not disappeared, though now she goes by Linh Cinder."

Linh Cinder. _Cinder_.

Cress's mouth fell open. Cinder was Princess Selene? Selene was alive, and she had rescued Cress, and Cress had fought on _her_ side. All of this new information about the life she'd been living was nothing short of painfully overwhelming.

Why was this happening? When would she finally get peace?

Apparently not any time soon.

A girl with brown skin and blue braids entered the room. As soon as she processed the girl, and the fact that someone had come in when she wasn't supposed to have visitors, Cress immediately hated her, though not for that reason.

She wasn't sure how she recognized her or from where, just that she did and she _loathed_ her.

Her hackles were rising with the shrillness of the girl's voice.

"Oh, Cress! I'm so glad that you're okay!"

Why was she glad? If Cress hated her, there was probably a reason.

She narrowed her eyes. "Who are you?" The question came out much ruder than it had been when she posed it to the others. She felt only a little guilty. "You're not supposed to be in here."

"I know you said you didn't want visitors right now, but I wanted to see you! Cinder, Scarlet, and Thorne got to see you!"

Cress sighed, accepted that she may never be alone again. Instead, she asked again, "Who are you?"

"Oh, right, you can't remember anyone." She tapped her perfectly shaped lips with her perfectly manicured finger. "Let's see…. I'm Iko! The last time you saw me, I had a huge hole in my neck!" She gestured to an area of her skin that was just as flawless as the rest of her. "Luckily, Cinder fixed it right up! She's such a good friend, isn't she? Oh-well, I suppose you wouldn't know, but trust me, she's great!"

Then, Cress realized that this emotion was jealousy. She remembered experiencing it and being frightened with herself when she first heard that the net drama actor she had a crush on was married.

If she recalled correctly, it was a normal emotion. Huh. Well, it certainly wasn't one of Cress's favorites, that's for sure.

She pulled the blankets up to her chin. _Net drama, net drama. It's all scripted._ "Do I… do we like each other, Iko? Were we friends?"

"Oh yes!" the girl exclaimed. "Though, I think you were a little jealous of me when I first got this body. At least, that's what Cinder said. But it was only because you didn't know I was an android! And then–"

"–wait," Cress interrupted. "You're an _android_?"

Iko clasped her hands together and did a spin in utter glee. "Oh, you didn't notice?! That's so exciting!"

Cress chewed her lip. "Look, Iko, it was nice to meet you, but I'd really like to be alone right now."

Iko's cheeriness withered. "You don't want me in here?"

Cress felt small, and more importantly, mean. She wrapped her arms around herself, the IV in her arm tugging uncomfortably at her vein. "Not at the moment, no. I don't. I haven't been alone since I woke up and I just… I really would like to be, please."

The android looked positively crestfallen for, well, an android. "Oh, okay. I understand. I'll come visit you later, okay?!"

As Iko pranced out of the room, Cress hoped that she just wouldn't.

Wishing she had the energy to get up and lock the door, Cress turned the netscreen to one of her favorite dramas and tried catching up on what she missed. That was much more preferable to the information overload given to her when she learned anything new about the past few weeks, about her own past few months.

All of the memories missing from her mind were frustrating. She was sure there was something, just a little inkling of _something_ that would bring her memory back. Some sort of golden ticket that would clear everything up and make it a little less terrifying, to make her her old self again, the self that she couldn't remember.

What she wouldn't give to be exactly who these people, her friends, were telling her she was.

The next episode of the net drama had just begun when there was a soft knock at the door, and then it was pushed open to reveal her doctor. _Ugh_ , Cress hated talking to him. He was really intimidating.

Not even looking up at her from his port, the doctor began his spiel.

"How are you feeling today, Crescent?"

"The same as yesterday and the day before," she replied, deadpan.

The doctor didn't acknowledge the lack of emotion in her statement. "I see. Now, I don't think being holed up in this room is going to help you get your memory back, and it appears that the swelling in your brain has reduced enough for it to no longer pose a risk, so I think we'll go ahead and release you tomorrow. What do you think?"

Cress wanted to be excited, felt that she was probably supposed to be, but instead, she felt panicked. "But where would I go?"

"I imagine your friends would be happy to help you," he told her, smiling. "A few of them are hoping to see you right now. Are you still restricting visitors?"

With every bit of guilt her chest could muster, Cress nodded. "Yeah, I'd like to be alone."

The doctor smiled. "Understandable."

As he turned to leave, Cress sat up a bit more. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Is there any way I can get access to a port screen?"

The doctor blinked, considering. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Within an hour and a half, Cress had hacked into the Commonwealth's private government files. She had originally wanted the port screen just so she could touch amd see something familiar and take her mind off everything. Eventually, though, the curiosity had overtaken her and she just couldn't resist.

She discovered that Mistress Sybil had died in the very palace she was in, having thrown herself off of the roof into the gardens after being tortured with Linh Cinder's lunar gift (this information made Cress shudder). Thaumaturge Aimery, whom Cress had never met but knew to fear, had been promoted to Head Thaumaturge. However, the record indicated that he had been killed by a Lunar guard not two months after Sybil had died.

Though the information was scaring her, she continued reading. Reading about the Lupine soldiers being eradicated–either through rehabilitation or death for those who could not be saved. Reading about Queen Winter almost succumbing to Letumosis after it mutated and was able to spread to Lunars, and how the subsequent release of the antidote after Levana's defeat had saved her and countless others. Reading about how, rather than killing her, Cinder, _Princess Selene_ , had chosen to have Levana exiled to an outer sector on Luna to serve a life sentence of solitude in an underground jail cell, much like the kind she had condemned shell children to.

The revolution had saved Luna, and while they were still adjusting to the changes, things had vastly improved, including trade relations with Earth. And Cress had been a part of all of it. An integral part, according to her friends.

Stars, she couldn't help but call them friends, even if they were nothing more than strangers to her.

They had made her feel important in the three days she had been out of her coma. They had made her feel worthy of love and attention, even though she had already royally screwed things up with one of them.

She felt awful about that last one, though. The guilt ate away at her, for her inability to remember her feelings for Thorne, for how hard it was to remember how and why she loved him when he could so clearly recall it.

At the same time, she could not reconcile her current self with a girl who had been strong, who had fallen in love with a corporeal human being. Stars above, she couldn't even remember anything but lava tubes and that stars-forsaken satellite.

She had lived an entirely new life, and she couldn't remember any of it.

But maybe Scarlet was right. Maybe she shouldn't focus on her relationship with Thorne right now.

Starting tomorrow, she would be free from this room, and she would pick herself up. She would start picking up the pieces of the self she had lost.

She had friends. A support system. _Freedom_.

Now she just needed herself.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : Chapter 3! So, fun facts: I have been watching Steven Universe or reading Snow Like Ashes during my free time this last week (both of which I just love so much) and have,, like 100 words of chapter 4 written. Whoops. This is what I get for being too impatient to write more before posting the prequel. Therefore, I can't promise that chapter 4 will be out next Sunday, but I will try! You guys are amazing! xo


	5. Chapter 04

"Prince Kai!" Cress fell into the deepest bow possible. "I knew I was staying in the palace, but I didn't know–wow! I actually got to meet the _prince_!"

"Hey, Cress." Kai chuckled. "And, uh, it's Emperor Kai now."

She straightened from her bow and looked at him, gathering up all the sadness in her heart and pushing it into her eyes. "Oh, oh, Your Majesty. I'm so sorry."

He waved her off. "It's all right. And of course you met me, we were allies during the war–friends, even!"

There was that word again. Friends. People threw it around so much that it was as though they didn't understand what it meant for her now.

Cress grinned. "Friends."

The emperor shoved his hands in his pockets. "Uh, so, Cinder said you lost your memory from before you turned sixteen. Exactly what year do you think it is?" Before she could speak, he added, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so forward, I've just been so curios to ask you about it."

Her grin turned into a shy smile. "I feel like it's still last December. So, I've lost a whole year, it seems."

He frowned. "You've missed a lot. Don't worry, though. We'll catch you up."

Her chest warmed at his kindness. Having friends was great.

Not fifteen minutes before, Cinder had come to collect her from the research wing, when Cress was finally permitted to leave by the doctor. Then, Cinder had told her that she had a meeting with Queen Winter, but Kai was free and would show her around the palace. She could stay there, Cinder had said, until she got her footing and figured out what she wanted to do, where she wanted to go.

She just couldn't believe they were willing to let her go out into the world alone. Oh, the things she would go to see! What had been restored after the fourth world war, if anything was left after the recent revolution, what ruins still existed after a hundred years, the museums all over the world that held so much history inside of them, but part of her also had an insatiable need to just settle down. Find somewhere permanent, and go from there.

Emperor Kai pulled her from her thoughts. "Would you like to see the gardens? There's a pond with koi in it. You can feed them, if you'd like."

She could practically feel her eyes light up. "I'd love that!" she said, clasping her hands together. Apparently, she _had_ seen trees and flowers and bushes and animals, but she didn't _remember_ , and so this was going to be lovely.

As they made their way through the palace, Kai glanced at her. "Have you thought at all about where you might want to go? If you haven't, that's fine. We'd be glad to keep you as long as you'd like to stay."

She shrugged. "I'm sorry, I haven't. I'll start thinking about it. I don't really know anyone, though. Should I really be going out on my own?"

The emperor grinned at her. "You're an intergalactic celebrity. Believe me, you'll be just fine."

"I'm not sure," she confessed. "It's a little scary."

"No matter where you go," he continued, "you will be protected. I will make sure of it."

Her shoulders suddenly felt a little lighter. "Th-thank you, Your Majesty."

"Stars," he muttered. "Call me Kai, please. I get enough of 'Your Majesty' from everyone else."

They walked through double doors that lead to a lush garden full of greens and pinks and reds and whites and the air smelled exactly what Cress imagined that flowers smelled like. There was a small, man-made pond in the center, with a bubbling stream feeding into it from a water filtration unit. Orange, gold, and white fish congregated at the edge of the pond when Emperor Kai bent down to get a closer look at them.

He craned his neck to look at her, and then shot a meaningful look at a wooden box attached to a post. "There's food in there for them."

"Oh." Her voice was small, shy. "I actually get to feed them?"

"Well, yeah."

She carefully stepped over to the box and opened the top and grabbed a handful of pellets. "Is this enough, Your Ma-Emperor Kai?" she asked.

He looked back over. "That's perfect. Just don't toss it in all at once. They might tear each other apart."

Cress knelt down next to him and sprinkled a few pellets into the water, and the koi sucked them up quickly. She giggled. "They're so cute!"

Emperor Kai smiled. "They're wonderful, aren't they?"

She could almost feel the stars sparkling in her eyes. "They're beautiful. And the trees, they're so… so green! And the flowers! They're very vibrant!"

She sprinkled the rest of the pellets over the school of fish before rising to her feet and dusting her knees off. She twirled around, viewing the gardens around her. "It's so serene out here! The weather is gorgeous and the nature is just so…." Her voice trailed off as she failed to find a proper adjective to describe it. "I'm speechless!"

He chuckled. "It's my favorite place in this entire palace. Well," he amended, "besides my bed. But that doesn't count. The gardeners and androids really do a great job taking care of this place."

She nodded enthusiastically. "Thank you for showing me this, Emperor Kai! I'm so happy."

"And I'm happy to do it, Cress. I'm glad you like them."

"I really do," she said. But all it took to kill her mood was Thorne's face in her mind. Cress wasn't sure why he had come up at all. She looked up at the emperor. "C-can I ask you a question?"

"Anything," he promised.

She chewed her lip before saying, "Do you think I could love Thorne again? Even if I never get my memory back?"

He seemed to be confused by such an abrupt change of subject. "I'm sure it's possible."

"How can you love someone you don't know?" she asked, head down.

He shrugged. "I can't say that that's impossible. I fell for Cinder before I really even knew her." He sighed. Contentedly. Nostalgically. She wasn't sure. "I don't think I loved her. Not necessarily. I did feel something for her, though. But that isn't to say that you should try to force yourself to have feelings for Thorne. He's a good guy, and you two were great together, but you can't force love. Believe me, I know it all too well."

She thought she might cry. "I broke his heart."

"In this situation, it was unavoidable."

She looked to him. "He'll be okay, won't he?"

"Of course. You don't have to worry. You've nothing to feel bad about." When she met his eyes, they were so intense. Full of reassurance and support.

He'd be okay. And so would she.

Cress decided she was done with the subject. As she swiveled her head again to take in the scenery, her gaze caught on a small group of trees off to the side. "What are those?" she asked, pointing.

"Palm trees. Not indigenous to this area, but we've managed to keep them alive thus far without disrupting the rest of the garden's ecosystem."

She furrowed her brow, studying them. Something was tugging at the corner of her mind, and a strange feeling disrupted the joyful warmth that had reappeared in her stomach.

Shaking her head, she turned back to him. "I've never seen those before."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. It was just… nothing. It's nothing. I'm, um, kind of hungry."

He nodded. "Right! I'll show you to the kitchens." He headed back towards an entrance to the palace. "I've got to get back to work, but I'm sure Iko will hunt you down. The rest of the crew are leaving tomorrow, so don't be afraid to say goodbye if you see them loitering around, all right? I promise they will love to see you before their departure."

She opened her mouth to speak. Closed it again. Trying to find words, to find an explanation. The thought _terrified_ her. She wanted to accept that they were her friends, that she should at least put in an effort to keep it that way. But, really, they should know that she wasn't ready. That she was so used to solitude, the idea of having friends was simultaneously wonderful and gut-wrenchingly horrifying.

Cress forced a smile. "Yeah, yeah. I'll… see them before they leave."

The rest of the walk to the kitchens was awkwardly quiet. Neither of the said a word, uttered a sound.

When they arrived, he turned to her. "The chefs will prepare you anything you want. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever."

She bit her lip. "I… I don't know much about earthen food, outside of the food they gave me in the research wing. It was delightful, but I don't know what any of it was. And there's so much I've always wanted to try…."

Emperor Kai laughed a bit and turned, approaching one of the chefs. The woman bowed to him and he leaned in close. She sent a furtive glance over to Cress before turning back to him. When he stopped speaking, she was beaming and nodding excitedly.

He came back to her. "She's going to prepare you a few courses. I told her you'll be in the dining room."

He led her to an large room with a fourteen-person table taking up the bulk of the space. A large, crystal chandelier hung directly over the center of the table. There was a red tablecloth covering the table with gold-thread placemats set before each chair. Silverware was arranged perfectly on each side of the placemats, enough room between the two different sets for a plate or bowl to be placed in the center. On the left, on the outer edge of each arrangement of forks, set a pair of chopsticks.

The red cushions on the white wood chairs matched the tablecloth, an intricate design embroidered in gold into each of them, and it seemed to pull the entire look together.

Cress wet her lips. "Wow."

"And this is just our private dining room," the emperor remarked. "You should see the one we use when we dine with world leaders." She heard a _ping_ and after a moment, he cleared his throat. "I have a meeting to attend. So, just sit anywhere and someone will be in. Do you need anything?"

Because she still had the portscreen the doctor had gotten a hold of for her, she figured she was set. "No," she said. "Thank you for everything, Emperor Kai."

"It's just Kai," he reminded. With a parting grin, he slipped out the door, and she was alone.

* * *

Cress was full within ten minutes of having the five plates in front of her. She had only managed to eat a quarter of each plate, she had enjoyed every bite. She had been given a red curry over rice, something called a gyro, escargot over pasta–which, apparently, was just snails, ratatouille, and steamed pork dumplings.

The chef had said that she wanted Cress to try all kinds of world foods, but had not wanted to overwhelm her. Though each plate was so much different from the rest, it had not been a bad mix, and Cress was nothing short of satisfying.

She was going to _love_ living on Earth, and she was so looking forward to trying every type of food each culture could offer.

Her stomach full to the brim, she wasn't ready to move yet. Cress slumped back in the chair and started hacking into the EC's files again with her port–just to check for updates, of course. Nothing sinister.

Then, she heard voices and two people entered the dining room.

The voices immediately stopped.

"Cress!" A troublingly tall, muscular man with scars covering his olive-toned skin and messy brown hair approached her. "I'm Wolf. How are you?"

She blinked up at him. It took her a few moments to form words, but the man didn't seem bothered by her pause. "I-I'm okay. You're… Wolf? I think they told me about you. Scarlet did. Something about the palace security system."

She was scared of him, but she wouldn't admit it. He was rather intimidating, perhaps two, maybe three times her size. He could crush her.

"You were amazing!" he said, his smile as wild as his hair. "I didn't know anyone could knock out a government-level security system so fast."

Cress shrugged. "I imagine it wasn't too hard. I hope they've improved it by now."

She was taken aback by his easy laugh. "I believe they were discussing it just the other day, actually."

Her eyes flitted past him for the briefest moment, and she discovered the source of the other voice she had heard before they entered.

Thorne.

Of _course_.

He was already watching her, sadness in his eyes.

"Hi," she said in a small voice.

He did not reply.

Wolf looked a bit anxious now.

She coughed to fill the silence just before she spoke. "I, um, I'm going. I hope I'll see you before you leave tomorrow, Wolf." She turned to Thorne. "Goodbye."

His eyes fell away from her and when she looked back just before exiting, his back was still to her. He had not turned to watch her leave.

She wasn't sure what that meant. All she knew was that it hurt.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : I haven't slept yet so _technically_ , it is still Sunday! I'm sorry for the late update. I've had three days off this weekend, but life is a little hectic right now! I can't promise when the next chapter will be up, but it will have more angsty interactions (I hope), so prepare yourselves! Have a lovely week!


	6. Chapter 05

Cress all too often found herself wondering if she would ever speak to Thorne again. Originally, it had seemed that he wanted to at least pursue a friendship, and hoped for something to grow from it. Cress had decided she was probably okay with that. She wasn't completely certain about anything anymore. And the whole situation with Thorne was making the adjustment to life on Earth a lot harder than she wanted it to be.

But now, he ran every time he saw her. And perhaps she should let him. It'd only been five days since she first woke up, anyway. If he was going to come back, he needed time. Or so that's what Cinder told her. But Cinder had also lamented what Scarlet had told her–that she shouldn't focus on Thorne right now. Cress figured it couldn't be terrible advice if she'd heard it more than once. And Cress, well, she'd take what she could get at this point.

Still, she had to see him. She had to talk to him and see if she could get anything out of him.

And it seemed to be straight out of a net drama when she rounded a corner and was sent bouncing back at the sight of Cinder and Thorne talking.

She hid just at the edge of the corridor and listened in. They were in the middle of a heated argument. It was _just_ like a netdrama.

"You're a coward," she spat at him. "If you'd just talk to the poor girl, something might come of it."

"A coward, Cinder? Really?"

A pause, a sigh. "I'm sorry," said Cinder. "That wasn't fair. It wasn't. I know it's hard for y-"

"No, you don't know. It _is_ hard. Just last week, we were this close to freedom, to being able to be together and safe, and she doesn't even remember it! Any of it! The conversations, the promises, the plans. And you have no clue how I feel right now because you and Kai are the perfect couple!"

A short period of silence. "You think we're fine? You think everything is fine? I can't," she paused, took a sharp breath, "I can't sleep at night. All I see when I close my eyes are those dead, innocent people. Lunars, Earthens. Entire families wiped out because Levana was greedy, and their blood is on _my_ hands."

"No," Thorne snarled. "It's on hers. And this thing with Cress–it, it…."

This silence lasted a bit longer, and Cinder broke it again. "Stars, Thorne. Don't… it's okay, okay? It's all right. Cress is alive. And if she loved you before, she can do it again. You just have to try."

Was he crying? Well, probably not. He didn't seem like the type. But maybe he came pretty close. Cress never understood why men weren't permitted to cry. It was such a normal human reaction to a normal human sadness.

And he was sad because of _her_. Because of her useless brain and its inability to remember at all what she felt for him.

Life, she decided, just wasn't fair.

"I don't know what to do, Cinder," came his voice finally. Sad. Broken.

Cress pressed her back against the wall and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling tears prick at them.

Cinder's voice was stronger this time, but not harsh, as it had been before. "I get it. She's the first girl you've loved."

"I've been in love before," he said, cutting her off.

Cinder gave a sharp laugh. A simple and too-loud 'ha!' "I know you, Thorne. I'm not an idiot."

Cress wished that she could see them, to see how they interacted. What kind of friendship they had, how strong of a bond it was.

"You know," he started, his voice low, "if this was Kai, and you were in my situation, you'd probably do the same thing. Run, because you can't face the fact that the one person you're in love with doesn't remember that they loved you back."

Cress hadn't realized she was crying until the hot tear fell from her jaw.

"I-I'm not in love with Kai," Cinder stammered.

It was Thorne's turn to laugh. It had actual mirth behind it, like Cinder had made a joke and he found it hilarious. "Now who's lying?"

"That's not the _point_ ," Cinder bit back. "The point is, I'm doing exactly what you would do if the situation is reversed. You'd tell me to stop being so worried, and you'd tell me that if he truly loved me before, then it's possible he could again. And that's what I'm trying to tell you, Thorne! You're being ridiculous. Do I agree with Scarlet, that you're too old for her? Yes! But I know you two would've found a balance and boundaries and everything would've been fine.

"This, all this is, is just another setback. We've had plenty of those in the last few months and they'll keep coming. So you have to fight for what you want."

Thorne gave a small laugh. "I'm almost thinking you shouldn't have abdicated the Lunar throne and became queen instead."

"Winter is doing a wonderful job," said Cinder, sounding disgruntled. "She's been making plans to transform Luna into a republic."

"I heard," he replied. There was a certain tone to his voice, a tell-tale sign that he was frustrated and ready to be finished with the conversation.

Cinder sighed again. "All right, I'm going to breakfast. You're welcome to do whatever. Are you still leaving today?"

"Aces, didn't you ask me that already?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah. Not until tonight, though."

Cress's stomach clenched. She still had time to face him, if she could bring herself to hunt him down later. But for now, tears were flooding her cheeks and she had to get out of there immediately.

She was fortunate enough to make it back to her room without anyone who actually cared seeing her. That, she decided, was more a relief than disappointing.

Next, she wondered if she really should go find him later. After his conversation with Cinder, he was probably not up for another one that would likely be even more emotionally draining. But she still needed answers and he was not Mistress Sybil. She would never again sacrifice her feelings for someone else's contentedness.

For now, though, she needed to pull herself together, and she needed a bath.

* * *

She knocked lightly on his door, not sure if he was in there, but expecting him to be.

When no answer came, she knocked on it again, a little harder.

"Just a second!" she heard him shout.

As soon as the door opened, the scent of soap filtered out from the bathroom that was attached to the room, a slight humidity seeping through. His hair was wet and spiked up and he was wearing a loose-fitting, white t-shirt and a pair of black jeans.

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. "Hey."

"We need to talk," she said.

He wet his lips. "I'm leaving in an hour."

"Why are you avoiding me?"

He stepped to the side and with a flourish of his arm, invited her into the room. She stepped in and he shut the door, but they both just stupidly stood in front of it, looking anywhere but at each other.

"I'm not avoiding you."

She crossed her arms. "Yes you are."

He said nothing.

She shut her eyes for a long moment before finally looking at him, telling herself that she was back in a net drama, her debut role. Just reciting her lines. "I'm really sorry that I can't remember anything. It's so scary to be around all these people that know me when I don't know them."

"I know the feeling," he muttered.

"I'm just… trying to figure things out."

"It might be good to talk," he finally admitted. "We haven't had a chance to at all."

She chewed her lip for a moment. "I… I heard you and Cinder. Earlier. Your talk."

"Aces." He stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, about that…. Cinder has a knack for trying to tell me how to feel and act and think. I just said what I needed to to get her off of my back."

Cress shook her head. "No… no. Don't… don't lie to me."

He crossed his arms, mirroring her. "I'm not. All I'm good for is breaking hearts and all I know is being greedy. You know my whole reputation."

Partially, what he was saying didn't actually sound like a lie.

She dropped her arms, balling her fists at her side. "I don't know anything! That's the whole point!"

Her heart was palpitating, blood rushing to her head. She kept herself grounded in her fantasy the best she could.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

The quiet that followed was suffocating. Cress thought she might choke on it.

"Did I love you?" she finally asked, her eyes avoiding his.

"Yeah."

Cress bit her lip. "Oh."

Thorne visibly slumped, tears brimming his eyes. "It's hard for me, too, Cress. You have no idea…. I miss what we had. I can help you remember, I can! Just give me a chance. We had plans, you know? We can go away together. I'll help you. I'll help _us_."

Tears pricked her own eyes. She sucked in a breath. "I don't…. I can't. I'm sorry, I can't."

"We had so much," he said, his voice broken. "I just want to get it back. I want _us_ back, Crescent."

She took a step back. "D-don't call me that. Mistress calls– _called_ me that. I don't know, Thorne. I just… I can't do this."

As she turned and began to walk away, she heard his voice behind her, low and barely audible.

" _Please_."

She did not look back.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : I'm sorry this is late & I'm sorry that this means that future updates will be pushed back. It's been quite a week and a half for me. Ummmm, I hope this isn't too underwhelming and has enough angst.

And please, if you like this (or any fic, really), leave a review! Getting them are such a breath of fresh air.


	7. Chapter 06

The palace sat on a great hill before New Beijing, the city sprawling before her, looking a lot closer than it actually was.

It was the first time Cress had gone outside, save for the gardens, and as usual, she was overwhelmed. But if she wasn't ready for New Beijing, where she was close to friends and ensured protection, she wouldn't be ready to leave for Los Angeles next week.

When Cress had posed the idea of moving to Cinder, the cyborg had tried to make her stay.

"Why so far away?" Cinder had asked, wringing her hands together. "And of all the cities in the world, why LA?"

Cress had only shrugged. "I dunno. I feel drawn there. I was looking at some maps last night and I saw it on a list of Major AR cities and I just knew. I think I _belong_ there. Is that weird?"

"No, it's not weird."

And Cress did feel that way. More than she had ever felt anything else. Like it was the first memory she retrieved back in full clarity. Los Angeles was where she belonged.

"But you'll be so far from everyone," Cinder had protested.

"Thorne will be in the same country," Cress'd replied, though the very mention of his name twisted her stomach. "And besides, His Majes–er, Kai, said I would be safe no matter what, and that he would make sure."

Cinder had bitten her lip and exhaled a sigh, then faked a smile. Cress was able to tell it was fake. Cinder's Lunar gift didn't work on her. "If you've decided, then LA it is."

Cress had wondered if Cinder had bad memories related to Los Angeles, but she at least got a fake acceptance out of the girl, rather than blatant disagreement, and so she did not worry about it.

Iko tossed her arm around Cress. "Oh, I've just been dying to take you shopping since we were first planning to rescue you from that satellite! I wish you still had your long hair. I had so many plans for it." She gave a sigh, slightly tinny from the fact that her voice was programmed, not human. "That's okay, though! There's plenty to do with your hair like this, too!"

The android was always so excited, and it made Cress both nervous and envious of the happiness that she wasn't entirely sure Iko understood.

"You'll love the market," Iko continued. "So many food vendors and boutiques and you so need to try the steamed dumplings! I can't taste them, obviously, but I hear they're to die for! And I remember seeing this one dress back last August at my favorite boutique, and I just so think you'll adore it! I wonder if they'll still have it…." Her voice trailed off.

Cress could feel her mild anxiety–that's what the psychologist at the palace had called it–setting in, but she'd been working on it for the past month and she was starting to feel like maybe she could handle it. If only Iko didn't talk so loudly.

"It's been months," she murmured in response. "I doubt they'll still have it."

Iko sighed sadly. "That's all right! I'm sure they'll have something! They always have so many cute dresses!" Then, she stopped walking, and she gasped. "And I can buy one for myself now!" Jumping up and down, Iko threw her arms around Cress. Cress knew she wouldn't be able to return the enthusiasm, but she accepted it nonetheless.

As the android finally released her, she took in a breath that she hadn't been able to before. Iko looped her arm through Cress's and continued marching on. "The market isn't quite so crowded as it used to be." She lifted her chin as if it made her more intimidating. "We can thank Queen Levana for that. But no matter, with the way the economy is growing! I'm predicting a population boom!" She sounded cheerful, as if an influx of new, crying babies was something Cress should be equally excited about.

Not that babies weren't cute, or anything. But she had seen enough of them on net dramas to last her for at least the next eight years. "Cool," she muttered.

"I think you'll like the market." Iko seemed to not have heard Cress's reply at all.

"Yeah, you mentioned that."

"No, really! It's wonderful! They really fixed up all the buildings pretty quick after the war ended. I mean, there is still some mess to clear up and clean out, but really, you can barely tell!"

* * *

The market _was_ gorgeous. It smelled of cinnamon and there were so many people. Cress wondered just how many people had been there before the war. Then again, New Beijing was a huge city, and the end of a war and the release of the Letumosis antidote would no doubt lead to a resurgence of the economy in no time. It would take years to build the Earth population back up again, even with Iko's predicted population-boom, but she knew that the future was far more promising than it had been before.

And she was part of the reason.

She could never really seem to figure out why it was her who joined them. Why she was worthy, how she had managed to convince them that she was worth their time. It was likely that she wouldn't figure it out until her memory came back to her.

She wasn't making any progress on that, either. The doctors didn't seem hopeless, they told her that the brain was fragile and these things just take time, but she surely felt like it would never happen. Cress would forever be a girl with a vital part of her past forgotten.

She would never know who she was when she stood up to Sybil, never know what kind of fear she felt when she was trying to disable the palace security, never know how she survived in that desert with Thorne at her side.

Yes, they had all told her of the past, she had read almost all of the confidential files. But that did nothing for her.

Nothing.

Pathetically enough, that's how she felt most of the time: that she was never that girl. That everyone had made her up, just a figment of their collective imagination. A different person at each important turn of events had done those tasks, and the crew of revolutionaries had somehow ended up with Cress when it was over, and decided to say that she was the one that had done it all. Cress figured there was no way that she was such an integral part of the revolution.

It was never her. But who was she to tell her new friends that they were wrong, that she knew the truth?

"Steamed pork dumpling?" Iko asked animatedly, pulling her from her thoughts.

Cress glanced down to see a small plastic bowl in her hand, and inside of it were three white, vaguely-spherical pieces of steaming food, pinched together at the top where the dough was pushed closed. "I didn't know how many you'd eat," said Iko, "so I just picked some! There's pork," she pointed to one, "beef," pointed to another, "and duck!"

She would've felt guilty for denying them, so Cress took the bowl out of Iko's hands and let the android demonstrate how to pick the dumplings up using chopsticks.

She took a bite and though the outer soft shell was virtually tasteless, the pork inside was beautifully seasoned, exploding in a burst of flavors she didn't know she could taste all at once, and she was grateful that she no longer had to eat freeze-dried anything.

Even if she would probably never fit in there, Cress really, really loved Earth.

* * *

Iko dragged her all over the market. By the end of it, her legs were tired and she was hungry again, though she didn't complain about that last fact. She knew there was plenty to be eaten at the palace and she didn't need to waste her univs there.

Cress ran a finger over the new, still-raised scar on her wrist, where they had implanted an ID chip so she could get around. The procedure was becoming more common now that lunars were permitted to move to Earth and vice versa. It had hurt a little, but only because the numbing agent they'd used hadn't fully kicked in before she just begged the doctor to get it over with.

The only reason they hadn't done it while she was in her coma, Cinder had later explained, was because they weren't sure where she would decide to go, and they didn't want to be presumptuous.

At least now she had a gorgeous collection of summer clothes. It was pretty warm all year in LA, so she didn't concern herself with buying anything more than a light jacket and a pair of jeans. She had quite an array of dresses in different styles, colors, and lengths. And shoes! So, so many shoes! Thankfully, Iko had offered to carry all of _those_ bags. She was nothing if not ready to start this new life. In LA, she'd stop living a lie and instead make a new life for herself.

She would keep in contact with her friends, of course, but no longer would she be shackled to the girl that she could not remember. Sybil was dead, Levana didn't matter anymore, and she had an ID that was entirely her own, full of univs that she could do anything with.

Her friends were okay. Thorne would be fine without her. And she, she had freedom.

Cress didn't need her past. She was renewed, and she would rebuild herself from the ground up.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : I have a lot of excuses for this being late, but I argue that I still update in a timely fashion and at least I am still updating! :D I appreciate you all! Especially those of you who leave reviews ;)


	8. Chapter 07

The screens before her seem to brighten as she revealed the news to them.

All of their mouths fell open at the same time.

"You're _seeing someone_?" Winter finally asked, her eyes alight with happiness.

Cress ran her fingers through her hair–after three months in LA, it now rested comfortably on top of her shoulders, just brushing her collarbone when it fell forward. "I mean, we've only gone on two dates, but yeah, I'm seeing someone."

Scarlet leaned forward. Her brown eyes glittered with excitement, and Cress almost thought she saw a masking of a different, more complicated emotion beneath that, but she didn't think anything of it. All of them had plenty of things to occupy their anxieties, and Cress was doing just fine taking care of herself.

"Tell us all about him!" said Scarlet.

Cress moved back and forth in her desk chair, giddiness rising up in her. "Well, he's 17, and his name is Andrew! He has blonde hair and the prettiest green eyes. And he's so tall!" She pressed her hand over her heart. She knew she was being dramatic, but she couldn't help it. "And he's so sweet! I ran into him at the furniture store a couple of weeks ago. Like I said, he's really tall, and the lamp I wanted was on the top shelf. He recognized me from the news." She sighed. "He was a bit disappointed when I told him I lost my memory–but then he asked if I was dating Thorne, and I kind of gave him this weird look and said no. He seemed happy about it, I think."

The three girls, plus Iko, all seemed a bit uncomfortable with that. But really, only a bit.

She cleared her throat. "He asked if he could comm me later and I said yes and the rest is history."

Iko moved in front of Cinder to speak to the netcam directly. "Have you kissed yet?"

"Iko!" Cinder warned, swatting the android away.

Cress giggled. "No. I told him that I want to take things slow. I'm pretty new to this whole thing, you know."

All four of them nodded a little over-enthusiastically. It was getting harder to ignore the subtext of their glances. Though they couldn't necessarily be shared over a net connection, she knew that if they were all physically there, they would be passing glances to everyone but her. She'd seen enough net dramas to know how this sort of thing worked.

And yet, it was still possible to ignore it, and so she did. They all just needed a bit more time to understand that she was not the girl they knew, the girl she wasn't sure she ever would remember.

"He held my hand though," she said wistfully. "We have another date tonight, too. He's great. I hope you all can meet him someday."

"I'm sure we will," said Scarlet, grinning. "Not to kill the mood, but have you… remembered anything recently?"

Cress shrugged, nervously stringing her fingers through her hair. "I mean, not much more than what I told you. I think I'm starting to remember the day you guys rescued me from the satellite, but I'm not sure. The doctor thinks it may just be due to what you've been telling me about that. But there's also snapshots of a desert. And… Thorne is there, too. And he's blind and it's so hot." She sighed heavily. "Those mostly come back in dreams, though. The heat. Really, though, it's just snapshots. Like I'm looking at pictures that illustrate a story someone told me rather than actually remembering anything.

"Also…," her voice trailed off. She took a sharp breath. "The doctor mentioned that if I haven't remembered more by now, then there's a really good chance I never will."

Their expressions seemed to darken as Cress shrank back into herself. She was not looking forward to telling them that, and it's clear that it wasn't what they'd wanted to hear.

Cinder's face fell. "I guess we couldn't have discounted that possibility. It seems we have, but we shouldn't have."

"I'm sorry. I've been trying really, really hard. It's just not working." Cress pulled her feet onto the chair, resting her chin on her knees. "I really am sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," said Scarlet, shaking her head. "None of this is your fault."

Winter nodded. "Right! You should not blame yourself for this."

Cinder grunted. "That's good advice, but I know firsthand that that's difficult." She looked at Cress. "Just know that you will blame yourself, and you probably already do, but no one else does."

"Not even Thorne?" Cress muttered into her knees.

"Not even Thorne," said Cinder.

Scarlet cleared her throat. " _Anyway_ , how is Kai doing? I see his approval ratings have gone up since the revolution ended."

"Oh, he's much better." Cinder chuckled. "Much less stressed without Levana around to screw things up for everyone."

The whole group laughed. Cress tried to.

Cinder looked at someone else on her screen. "How's Jacin doing?"

Winter brightened, but before she could answer, a voice came through the darkness behind her. "Jacin is great." The blonde guard-turned-First-Gentleman-of-Luna appeared next to Winter on the screen, his pale skin, lightened further by the light of the netscreen, in stark contrast to her dark. "But it's time for President Winter to _go to sleep_. It's the middle of the night."

Cinder beamed. "Oh, Jacin. You're as protective as ever."

"Goodnight, Selene," he said sternly.

Winter waved happily. "Well, that's my cue! Goodnight, loves. Comm me later!"

One of the screens on Cress's computer went blank.

"We always pick the most inconvenient times for Winter," she mused.

Scarlet shrugged. "She doesn't care either way. She's just happy to hear from us." She grinned and nodded her head, as if answering a question she'd asked herself. "I have to go, though. I need to get ready to make dinner. Bye, girls!"

Another screen blanked before Cinder or Cress could say anything.

Cinder blew a tuft of hair away from her face. "Well, I guess I should go, too. Have a good day, Cress. I should probably be getting to bed, too. It's pretty late."

Cress unfurled her body from the chair and reached forward to shut off the camera. "Goodnight, Cinder."

"Bye, Cress. Have a good day. I hope your date with Andrew goes well. Comm me about it."

Cress smiled, "it will, and I will. Thanks!", and shut off the netcam.

Though she had come to love her friends, Cress was more than glad that their monthly vid-meetup was over.

The idea to start having them was Winter's. When she found out that Cress's chances of remembering her past, and therefore her new friends, wasn't likely, she'd wanted to at least rebuild what they had. Cress herself thought that it had worked.

But they'd talked for three hours and she was all out of socializing energy. Or just energy in general.

With still six hours before Andrew came to pick her up, and the weekend meaning she didn't have work, Cress crawled back under her blankets and activated the netscreen that hung on the wall in front of her bed.

Saturday mornings were her favorite.

She snuggled up to the body pillow she'd purchased just for days like this and as she yawned, realized she might fall asleep.

"Portscreen, set alarm for three hours from now."

With a quick affirming _ping!_ from her port, she went back to catching up on her favorite netdrama.

But soon, the exhaustion took over, and she was asleep.

 _The man stood before her with his hands stuffed in his pockets. By all the stars, she couldn't seem to figure out who he was._ _"Cress, I think it's time we stop avoiding the obvious."_

* * *

 **Author's Note** : Just trust me, okay?


	9. Chapter 08

_Cress dropped her chin and bit her lip, it was a nervous tic that she'd developed now that she was permitted to actually display her emotions. She'd found that she was particularly terrible at hiding them when she wasn't being threatened with punishment. "I don't know where I'm supposed to go after this is all over," she admitted, her voice soft. He probably couldn't hear her very well._

 _After a moment, Thorne cleared his throat. "I think you should come back to the American Republic with me after the war."_

 _She blushed. "But why?"_

" _I think it's time we stop avoiding the obvious."_

" _Th-the obvious?" she stuttered._

 _He measured his breath, scratched the back of his head, dropped his eyes away from her. "I like you, Cress. I care more about you than I care about myself, and that's saying something. I want to be with you, whatever that means now and whatever it'll mean later."_

 _Cress blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. She mulled over his words. He had feelings for her. He wanted her to live with him!_ Thorne _wanted to be with_ her _! "W-with me?" It was all she could muster._

" _With you. Dating. Girlfriend/boyfriend. Whatever they use in all those net dramas."_

 _She couldn't seem to find words._

" _You-uh, aces. You don't have to say yes. I completely understand if you'd rather see the world. I just, ah. Well. Yeah."_

 _He was flustered, this man. It was adorable. For once, she wasn't the only one who couldn't form words from her nerves. Finally, she found her voice, buried deep beneath the anxiety roiling in her stomach. "I'd really like that."_

* * *

When her alarm went off, Cress sat up to a pounding headache, as though her brain had been working much too hard while she was napping. She considered that it had a mind of its own, but then chuckled lightly at herself for that.

Cress used to believe that her dreams were memories, that she actually did remember what had happened during that month after being saved from the satellite, but she knew now that they were only dreams.

Her neurologist used to hope they were memories, too, but this point, he had decided, if she wasn't remembering anything consciously, then her dreams were only her brain trying to reconcile what she had been told with all of those memories she wanted back so desperately.

In the end, her doctor informed her that the chance of retrieving her memories now was less than 2%.

And Thorne, well, he was there because she thought she was supposed to love him, after knowing that she used to. It only made sense that her brain would think it necessary to shove him in the place of the man whose voice she always hears when she's asleep.

None of that mattered anymore, though. Not at all. She was a new girl. She would remain friends with Cinder, Scarlet, and Winter, but she wasn't going to run after her past love, a love she couldn't even remember.

Her port _ping_ ed to alert her to a comm. She grabbed it before dashing into the bathroom to take a shower. She still had a few hours before she met Andrew for dinner, which left enough time to get her look just right. They'd only shared a few dates, but she thought things would be getting serious pretty soon. Andrew was so aloof about their relationship, and was sometimes a bit awful at returning her comms, but she knew it was right. They were good together and he was drop dead gorgeous.

 _Comm from Andrew:_ "Can't wait to see you later :-)!"

What more did she need?

* * *

Cress passed through the automatic door of the restaurant and let the waiting android know she had someone already there for her, an Andrew Campbell.

"Campbell, table for three," it said in its robotic voice. "Right this way, ma'am."

Table for three? She had thought it would just be them, and three's company. But maybe he was surprising her by letting her meet one of his friends. Or his dad. Or his sister.

Sister seemed the most clear, considering there was a woman sitting rather close to him as they approached. She didn't look much like him, though, other than that she was tall like him. She had brown hair and dark eyes, but she probably dyed her hair. And eye color was so varied these days anyway, right?

The both of them stood as she approached, and she felt a bit of excitement. He liked her enough to let her meet his family? It was only their third date! Was he ready to be serious?

The idea of it made excitement bloom in her heart.

"Cress!" he said as she got to the table. He pulled her into a hug. Letting her go, he turned to the woman next to him. "I wanted to introduce you to someone. Cress, this is my fiancée, Aleena."

Her heart tumbled. "Y-your _fiancée_?" He was only 17, how was he engaged? Moreover, how was he also dating Cress?

"Hi, Cress! It's so wonderful to finally meet you!" Aleena pulled her into a hug, too, and Cress wanted nothing more than to shove away and storm off.

The old Cress would never have done that, she knew. She would've just smiled and taken it and cried about it later. That's how it always was with Mistress Sybil.

She was a new girl. She had been telling herself that for months, hadn't she?

The new Cress stuck up for herself.

She ripped herself from Aleena's embrace. "How could you?" she asked Andrew.

"I know this is weird," he admitted, "but most girls are usually okay with it at first."

"At first? What is this? P-P-Pol-," she tried to recall the practice from the Second Era, "Polygamy!?"

Andrew gave her a confused look. "Polygawhat?"

"You're dating me and marrying her. At the same time."

Cress could feel herself starting to hyperventilate now. "This is wrong! How could you? I thought… I thought you liked me!"

He raised his hands in his own defense. "I do! I like you a lot! That's why I wanted to introduce you to Aleena. Usually it takes until the sixth or seventh date. You're so special, Cress."

She felt sick to her stomach. How could he? "I'm done. I'm done with you. I'm done with this."

People were staring at them. They'd _been_ staring at them. She was seeing red. "Bye, Andrew. Don't comm me."

She stormed out of the restaurant, tears burning her eyes, her heart all but pleading for it to all have been a joke. He was going to run after her, tell her it was a sick joke, that he really liked her and just wanted her to meet his sister.

But he didn't. And she found a hover with the tears still sizzling their way down her cheeks.

She commed Scarlet after buckling herself in. It was the most reasonable time there, as it was nearly breakfast time for Winter, and Scarlet was probably just settling into bed herself.

They were friends. Friends were always there when you needed them.

"Bonsoir, Cress!" Scarlet said through a yawn. "It's late!"

Her eyes hadn't fully adjusted to the vid yet, otherwise she would've reacted exactly how she did 2 seconds after her greeting.

"What happened? What did he do? Are you okay?"

Scarlet was in full Mama Bear mode, eyes alert and ears perked. As if she could transport herself there immediately and take care of whatever needed to be taken care of. Ze'ev was rustling next to her, a few strands of his wild hair ending up in view of the camera. "What's up?" he asked in a gruff and tired voice.

Cress wanted to scream, not explain. Just scream, and let it convey everything she was feeling. But that would not suffice and they didn't deserve that anyway. She tried to calm herself, take deep breaths.

"He… he was cheating on his fiancée..." A small gasp escaped Scarlet. "But she knew about it? He wanted all three of us to be together." She bit back a sob. "I think… I'm pretty sure he's done it before. That's so disgusting."

Cress shuddered a bit, because the very thought of it was disturbing as it was.

"That _is_ disgusting," said Ze'ev.

She sniffled. "I just can't believe I fell for it! How could I not have known?"

"People are sneaky." Scarlet frowned sympathetically. "It'll be alright, Cress. Dating isn't the only thing that matters. You'll be okay."

Cress wiped her eyes and nodded slowly. "I know. I think I'm going to focus on making friends instead. I mean, I was doing that before, but I'm just not going to worry about romance. I think it's the best course of action."

She wiped a stray tear that was burning its way down her cheek.

"They're the best kind of relationships to have," Ze'ev said after a moment, dozing off. "Scarlet's my best friend."

Blushing ever so slightly, Scarlet playfully rolled her eyes. "Goodnight, Z. And Cress, feel better. It's going to be rough. You had a lot of hope surrounding this, but you'll be fine. We're all here if you ever need us."

Cress nodded, feeling just a bit better, her head pounding from just how much everything hurt. "Thank you, Scarlet. I'll let you guys sleep now. Goodnight."

"A bientôt," Scarlet yawned. The screen went black.

Scarlet was right. Dating wasn't the only thing that mattered in life, and like Ze'ev had said, having friends seemed to be more necessary. A support system was exactly what she needed. Not some stupid romance that could never be guaranteed.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : Would you believe me if I told you guys I've been working on this since the last update? I posted it the day before I moved back to school, and my life has been nonstop ever since. I'm sorry! This fic isn't dead, if you can believe it!


	10. Chapter 09

"I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to submit a resume. Your reputation is impeccable."

Cress could feel herself starting to blush.

"The problem, of course, is your age. There are certain laws in place to protect workers who are under the age of 18. Now, I know that you're emancipated and take care of yourself, but I can't get you working full time until you turn 18."

She nodded. "Oh yes. Trust me, I've done all the research."

María Fuentes was the CEO of a high-profile Net Security company in the heart of Los Angeles. Cress had done plenty of research on the woman. She launched the business when she was only 22, a rising star in the field of Info Tech. Cress had all but idolized her when she was younger, stuck on that cursed satellite, and now, here she was, in a job interview with her.

She had a job already, but it was very low-profile and though her bosses were nice, she wanted something better, and working for María Fuentes sounded more like a dream.

When she smiled, María's brown eyes crinkled at the corners. "I'm happy to hear it. I want you to work for me, Crescent. Someone your age in such a high position–that's exactly what I wanted when I was young. You're so dedicated to your work! I remember back when the war first ended and they were doing interviews with Captain Thorne and the new Empress. My stars, what you were able to do fascinated me. I would be really proud to have you work for me. What do you think?"

She almost didn't know how to reply. If she hadn't been so in love with the idea of working for the company, she probably wouldn't have said anything at all.

"Yes! Stars above, I would love to work for you–for this company!"

María nodded only once. "Well, then it's done. Come in tomorrow at 10:00 for paperwork. I know you likely won't have a birth certificate, but I'll be doing the paperwork with you, so H.R. won't say a thing, and I think the government will understand."

Cress could've cartwheeled out of pure joy. "I'll be there."

"Let me walk you out."

* * *

Her first day of training, which fell the day after her orientation, felt more like preschool. Though she lost quite a bit of her memory, Cress had learned how to code a long time ago. Unfortunately, though they believed that she could do everything, it was standard procedure to make sure she knew the basics, since they had only hired her on part-time.

At least she had something, though.

Cress stepped into the elevator, ending her work day by blowing a tuft of hair out of her eyes and leaning against the handrail.

The Human Resources department was on the 10th floor, right beneath the first floor of the main IT department where she had started her training. The elevator was painstakingly slow.

It was the first stop on her trip down.

The woman that stepped in was _gorgeous_. She wore a well-tailored suit with a sky blue blouse beneath the jacket. The first thing Cress noticed was her unnaturally golden eyes set against her light brown skin, and the left part of her short black hair looked as though it had grown out from previously being shaved, as it was far shorter than the right side. When the woman noticed Cress, she gave her a dazzling smile.

"Good evening," she said.'

"Hello," Cress replied, shy.

"I don't think I've seen you around before."

Cress wet her lips. "It's my first day."

The stranger nodded. "Right, we've had some new hires recently. I'm Rani, I work in HR."

"Cress," she replied.

"Darnel?"

"Yeah."

"I remember getting your paperwork." Rani's eyes fell away from Cress. "So did you just finish training for today?"

She nodded, but said, "Yes," when she realized that the woman wasn't looking at her and wouldn't know she had nodded.

Rani hummed. "I just got off, too. Are you doing anything after you leave?"

"I don't have plans, no."

"Would you like to grab a drink? There's a nice bar across the street, the drinks aren't too watered down and the food is amazing. It's pretty reasonably priced, too."

Cress swallowed hard, and she realized that she was nervous. Had she just been asked out? By a woman? Was she _flattered_? "I can't," she muttered. "I'm not 18 yet."

Rani looked at her again. "Good stars. I'm so sorry, I hope you don't feel uncomfortab-"

"I don't," Cress interjected. That was a lie. She was _always_ uncomfortable, but that wasn't what Rani meant.

Rani laughed. "I thought you looked a bit young, but I'm only 20, so sometimes 16- and 17-year olds look more my age. But hey, if you need some friends around here, we can meet up for lunch sometime. I'll even introduce you to a few of my friends." The elevator was one floor from the lobby, and no one else had gotten on with them. "My sister is your age, so I can bring her, too."

Cress smiled kindly. "That would be really nice."

As the elevator opened to the lobby, Rani offered to walk her out. "I hope you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to reply if you don't feel comfortable with it, but do you still talk to everyone from the war?"

Cress shrugged. "Sometimes. The girls and I have a monthly video chat. I mostly catch up with the guys vicariously through the girls. And Thorne, well, I haven't talked to him in a while, but Cinder lets me know how he's doing every now and then."

"Well, it's good that you're staying in contact with them. Is the memory loss hard?"

Now they were getting into much-uncharted territory, and she was suddenly very, very anxious. Fortunately, she could see her small hover coming into view. "That's me."

* * *

Before parting, they had made lunch plans for that Saturday. Rani hadn't seemed bothered at all by Cress ignoring her question, which she was endlessly thankful for.

On the way to the restaurant, Cress was nervous as every fiery comet. Stars above, friends that she didn't already have a history with. It was amazing, really.

There were about five people, including Rani, at the restaurant when she arrived. She walked over to the table and beamed as best as she could. "Am I late?"

"Not at all! We're just always early," said Rani. "Everyone, this is Cress. Cress, this is my sister I was telling you about, Radha." Her sister was a spitting image of Rani, sitting just to her left, an almost-exact copy, right down to the short hair and golden eyes. Maybe the color was natural. "This is Anya," she said, pointing across the table. "She's just a year older than you, that's Julio, a friend from high school, and that's Madison, my best friend!"

"It's nice to meet all of you," said Cress, taking the empty seat next to Rani.

They all agreed and picked up their menus.

Cress was uncomfortable, as usual, but she already knew that she liked these people.

She and Radha had immediately hit it off. After lunch, they decided to continue hanging out, whereas everyone else had other engagements.

The two decided to head to the mall, because Cress needed more business casual attire and Radha just really enjoyed shopping.

Radha was continuously impressed with Cress. She had followed the post-revolution news closely and had heard every single story they'd told about her. Cress was impressed back, too. Radha was her age but was already preparing to graduate high school and start med school. She had always wanted to be a pediatrician, apparently.

"Here, this is my favorite store," Radha said, grabbing her hand and pulling her into a boutique-style shop with dresses on every wall and shelves and shelves of jeans and shorts and graphic tops.

She kind of already loved it. Within ten minutes, she already had a full load hanging off of her arm for the dressing room, and was still searching.

"Hello," chirped the front room employee to whoever had just entered, "if you need any help, just ask!"

Cress looked over, and her eyes snug on a familiar form. She froze, her fingers brushing over a floral fabric she'd been admiring. He was there, and he wasn't alone.

The woman he was with was facing her, and she was giggling and holding something up, her body language swearing that she was into him, and that he had no reason not to feel the same way.

The woman was beautiful, and she _hated_ her.

She wanted to move, to get away and out of sight, but she couldn't.

Then, she heard Radha call for her. "Hey, Cress! Come here!"

Her eyes widened as his head snapped to her, and their eyes locked.

He mouthed her name, and the other woman glared at her, scowling at the sudden loss of his attention.

His jaw fell open and he quickly looked at the woman before glancing back at her, his head shaking ever so slightly.

Needing to escape, needing to get away, she turned on her heel and ran back toward Radha.

"Hey, uh, I saw a hoodie I liked at the store across the way," she heard Thorne tell the woman he was with. "I'll be back in a minute, all right?"

She found her friend quickly, trying to calm herself.

"Are you okay?" asked Radha.

"Oh, yeah! I'm just-I think I'm good here. What's up?"

"I just thought that you'd really like this."

She was gesturing to a striped dress, one just modest enough for her to be able to wear to work without a sweater thrown over it. It was in a pastel pink, the stripes thin and white, and the fabric soft under her fingertips. "It's gorgeous," she mused, running her hand over it and trying to forget the event that'd just transpired.

She could feel Radha's eyes on her. "That's why it made me think of you."

Cress's stomach burned. "I have to buy it, then," she said, grinning at Radha. "Thanks, it's really nice."

Her friend checked her port. "We should get going. Can you give me a ride home so I don't have to call for a hover?"

"No problem," she said. With the money Cress had been awarded following the revolution, she didn't even need to work, so she bought a hover instead–though she had plenty left in savings.

They talked about mundane things on the way back, about Cress's life in the satellite and how much she'd had to adjust to Earth's atmosphere. She had a series of bad colds for the first month she lived in LA due to the weather and air quality change.

Radha and Rani's family lived in a very nice, very posh neighborhood. Cress was glad that this fact wasn't reflected in either of their personalities.

When they arrived at the end of her driveway, Cress got out with her to walk her to the door.

"Thanks for the ride," said Radha. "And thanks for hanging out with me. I may not have to go shopping for another year!"

Cress giggled, and it didn't feel forced at all. "It was really fun. We should hang out again soon."

"We should."

Radha smiled at her, tucked her hands into her pockets. "Comm me when you get home, so I know you made it safe."

This, because it was starting to get dark out.

"I will," said Cress.

And just before she walked away, Radha leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Cress suddenly had a tumultuous feeling in her–not only because of the gesture, but because of what it elicited from her.

A memory, perhaps. A certain sort of something. She felt dizzy and as though she might pass out, but those feelings were more something that had happened to her at another time, that weren't happening to her now.

She wet her lips, trying to form words. "B-bye, Radha. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight, Cress," was the response, as if she hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary.

When she got to her hover, she immediately commed Scarlet.

"I think I have a crush on my friend."

The reply was just as immediate.

"Tell me about him."

"No, it's a girl."

Cress felt heat radiate through her entire body. She _did_ like Radha. Good stars, this was a new and interesting emotion.

Scarlet took a bit longer to reply. "Stars, that's wonderful. If you need advice, just comm me. It's ok if you're nervous!"

It was nice having someone on her side.

Still, Cress wasn't sure if Radha had meant the kiss in a romantic way. And she couldn't quite understand how she had felt afterwards, as if she had that experience before. More than that, though, she couldn't get Thorne's face out of her head. How he had looked at her when he saw her at the mall.

How she had hated that woman, who she hadn't even known! She had no reason to hate her other than that she was with Thorne, and what did Cress care about that?

She didn't care. She wasn't supposed to.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : If you're happy about this update, go ahead and thank LLC. She all but broke my arm twisting it to get me to write it. ;) (Just kidding, she knows I appreciate her.)


	11. Chapter 10

"Wait, he was polyamorous? And he just assumed you would be okay with it?"

Cress nodded.

"Wow," said Radha. "He could've given you a warning."

Cress balked. "A warning!? What he's doing is disgusting!"

Radha took a sip of her soda, adding a slice of mushroom and red pepper pizza to her plate. "Polyamory isn't unheard of, you know. It's just not common, or even for everyone." She grinned sympathetically. "He should have cleared it with you first, if he was actually doing it right."

"He wasn't," Cress agreed, slightly miffed that her friend wasn't completely on her side.

Radha sighed. "That was an asshole move. You deserve better."

Cress looked at the netscreen hanging on the wall. It took up the entirety of the space allotted to it inside of the built-in entertainment center. The thing had to be about 100 inches. They were watching some stupid drama and had gotten onto the subject of exes. "I do."

"Anyway, I've got two exes!" Radha took a bite of pizza and chased it with soda. "I dated a guy named Alejandro when I was 12. I'm not sure if relationships count at that age, but still. He was cool, but not my type, if you know what I mean." Cress did know what she meant. "And I broke up with my other ex just last year. She was so pretty, but just on the outside. Good stars, Cress, I don't know what I saw in her. Like, she told me once that she agreed with some of Levana's politics? Who even does that? Like, what Earthen in their right mind thinks that way?"

Cress laughed. "Clearly not someone anyone should be dating."

" _Clearly._ " Radha laughed too, but it faded into a soft sigh. "I think we both deserve better."

"Yeah."

They remained facing each other, but withheld eye contact, the both of them outright _avoiding_ it.

Her voice came quiet, gentle. A secret not yet ready to be shared. "I like you, Cress."

Her chest was not a welcome place to be. It was loud and intense and scary, her heart feeling as though it wanted to pound through her sternum. "I like you too." Her voice was too shrill, too dishonest in its excitement. She was not there, she was not saying those lines. It was a net drama, affecting a fictional life as opposed to her real one.

"No, I like you. Like, romantically."

Cress's heart found a new home, embedded just beneath her diaphragm. She used to think that blushing would feel like a subtle warmth, but she realized then that it burned, alongside the searing nervousness taking place where her heart used to be. "So-so did I."

Radha dropped her head, her bottom lip held like a captive between her teeth, her hands twisted together. "Wow," was the only sound that passed between them.

She looked at Cress then, her golden eyes alight. "Can I-can I kiss you?"

Cress nodded, so slowly she was afraid Radha would think she was too hesitant.

She probably didn't think that at all.

And Cress didn't know if she had any prior experience with kissing, and her lips were clumsy and unsure, and it ruined the illusion of a drama. In shows and movies, the actors and actresses always knew their way around the lips of another. She was relatively certain that Radha didn't mind, but she was a mess of anxiety anyway.

The lasted barely two seconds, and it was wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

"Does this mean we're together?"

Cress smiled, felt her face burning again. "Would you like to be?"

"Well, obviously." She heard a hint of nerves in Radha's breathy giggle, and it made her feel a bit better.

"Then I suppose that we are."

The two girls stayed up late talking, Cress about the lava tubes and what it was like on the satellite, Radha about her childhood and the interest she always held in the science of the medical field and how her parents gladly facilitated this interest.

In the end, it was 0400 by the time they both called it a night.

* * *

 _Her surroundings were loud, and threatening, but she couldn't pinpoint where she was._

 _There was a comforting presence behind her, but she knew her death was quickly approaching, and she could not be protected. She wondered how it would happen. Would it be quick, or would Levana make it long and torturous? Considering she was a shell, she figured that she would likely be made an example of in the streets of Artemesia, and she would never see Levana before the deed was carried out._

 _Stars above, she didn't want to go through this. Wherever she was, it was the last place she ever wanted to be._

" _I guess it's time," came a voice, just behind her. It belonged to whomever that comforting presence was, with their hands steady on her shoulders._

 _Then, she was dizzy, turned all the way around and dipped over a stabilizing arm, one of her fists grasping a cotton shirt and the other a shoulder as to maintain her balance._

 _And someone, she was sure it was a man, felt she_ knew _it was Thorne, someone was kissing her. And for all of Luna, she wanted it. And she knew that she had wanted it for a long time. One hand was firmly on her back, holding her up, and the other cradling her face. And it did not last long enough, not even the slow coaxing of his lips promising that they would meet hers again, but it dissipated the fear for just a moment. The danger of death surrounded them, but the kiss lasted just long enough for her to forget about that. Just long enough to renew a bit of her bravery. Just long enough to solidify to whom her heart belonged._

* * *

When Cress awoke, slowly pulling her eyes open and allowing them to adjust to the unfamiliar setting, she noticed that Radha's arm was tossed lazily and innocently over her waist. She needed water and to brush her teeth, but she couldn't bear to wake the girl next to her.

Stars, she was dating a girl–one she'd known for just a week–and it was wonderful. It was so strange and so beautiful to feel what she felt, though she wasn't quite sure to any extent what thatfeeling was.

Of course, she was still conflicted, because when wasn't she? Her mind battled with her. This was all projection, some part of her told herself, she was only feeling for Radha what she felt for someone else–Thorne, she assumed. That's what her subconscious had deduced thus far.

But she fought back with herself. She would never hurt anyone like that, especially not Radha. Cress would never hurt her like that. _Could_ never.

She argued back with herself. She did like Radha, because she was her and no one else.

She felt the bed move as her girlfriend–she smiled at the word–shifted, and she was suddenly free. Cress slid out of it slowly, quietly as not to wake Radha. They'd shared Radha's queen sized bed, big enough to fit another person between them comfortably, and two other people uncomfortably. Originally, though they were clearly into each other and were both very aware, they started on opposite sides of the bed, only to slowly migrate towards each other as they slept. Were they too young to share a bed as more than friends? She knew it was acceptable for friends, but they no longer fit under that label.

It made her feel giddy inside, and what a familiar sensation that seemed to be.

Her brain seemed a little clouded, her body just a bit out of her control. She pulled herself out of bed and it was like those days when you're sick and can't seem to shake it, you're awake but you're on autopilot.

She rubbed her eyes until she saw stars, and jumped a bit when she felt a brush of fingertips on the back of her shirt. "Good morning. You okay?"

She turned her head, but not enough to face Radha full on. "Yeah. Just a little under the weather, I think."

"Oh no," said Radha, sitting up now. Cress could see her brushing away the sleep in her eyes from the corner of her vision. "Do you want some tea?"

"That might help. I'm gonna go brush my teeth first."

"Okay. I'll put the order in with the android. I'll get us some breakfast, too. Any preferences?"

"Surprise me."

"Meet you in the kitchen."

In the bathroom, Cress splashed cold water on her face. She felt weird, and her head was pounding.

She needed to go home, but she couldn't just leave. Radha had just ordered breakfast, and she didn't have to be home for at least a few more hours, if mostly to rest a bit more before she started her first full week of work out of training.

She was pretty good at her job, but everyone else had expected that already, given her history.

Cress hadn't had half as much hope, but enough people believed in her to make up for it.

She left the bathroom, the cold water waking her up a bit, but not helping in any other sense of the word. Radha was in the kitchen, tapping something out on her port and sitting at the table with a glass of water in front of her, another across the table, coupled with a cup of tea.

Cress took that seat and gulped down some of the water before moving to sip on the tea. It was still too hot to drink, but its warmth was nice on her hands. She could taste lemon in it, and a hint of honey.

Radha put her port down and slid it to the side of the table. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Not really," Cress replied, dejected.

"Well, I ordered breakfast, but you can leave afterwards if you need. I know you have work tomorrow."

Radha reached a hand across the table, offering it to her to hold.

Cress slid her fingers into the waiting palm. "I think I might. I feel bad, but I'm so exhausted."

"You should take care of yourself. I'll still be here when you feel better." When Cress looked up, she was met with a warm smile. "I understand. I'd go home, too."

"Are you sure?"

"Don't suffer on my account, Cress."

Cress gave her hand a weak squeeze, and pulled hers back when she heard the tell-tale sounds of an approaching android.

"Your breakfast, Miss Radha," said the tinny voice of the android, a shiny Serv11.6. The newest model, the most humanlike of all of the Serv droids, but still very much a squat thing on treads.

Cress always found them somewhat endearing.

"Thank you, Adelaide, you are dismissed."

Breakfast was amazing, and Cress briefly wished that she had the kind of univs required to have this every day. Then, she wondered if she might. It was ideal, and everything had clearly finished cooking just as it was brought out to them. Stars above, she was in heaven with every bite.

"How was it?" asked Radha as Cress stuffed the last morsel of chocolate chip muffin into her mouth.

She grinned, wiping the remainder of chocolate from the corner of her lip. "Delightful."

Radha beamed. "I knew you'd like it. I always feel like hash browns should be eaten alongside muffins. Or with anything sweet, really. Some disagree, but it's not my fault that they're wrong."

"I think next time, bacon would go great with the both of them."

"If you'd like, I'll order it for you next time."

Cress sighed. "Truly, you are the best."

"Right?"

Her head still pounded, though. If eating hadn't helped, then neither would sticking around. She would have to leave, and that kind of… sucked.

She dragged a hand down her face.

"You should go," said Radha. "More rest is probably what you need."

"Definitely." She stood slowly, trying to think of where all of her things were. "My bag is in your room, right? And my… my port charger is in the living room."

"Yes, they were, but I asked Adelaide to gather your things during our meal."

Cress's shoulders slumped, relief consuming her. "Have I mentioned that you're the best?"

"Maybe once or twice."

* * *

As soon as she boarded her hover to head back to her apartment complex, Cress dozed off.

Not that the trip was long enough to warrant her passing out, but fifteen minutes might as well have been eternity.

* * *

" _Blackjack!" Cress cheered. At Thorne's scowl, she continued, "The dealer has a Queen."_

 _Thorne's scowl deepened. "Aces. What've I got?"_

" _Aces," said Cress. She grinned to herself at the coincidence. Thorne was too deep in some sort of concentration to have noticed._

" _Split 'em."_

 _She pulled them apart and drew a card for the first one. "Three," she said._

 _Thorne cursed. "And the other?"_

 _She laid a card on top of the other ace. "Six."_

" _What's the dealer have?"_

 _Cress flipped over the other card. "Ten."_

 _With a groan, Thorne rooted around for his cards on the table and then shoved them at her. "Reshuffle and redeal."_

" _This is the tenth time."_

" _I can feel my luck kicking in. Let's do it."_

" _You said that after the second round."_

 _He leveled a gaze in her general direction. She didn't have the heart to tell him that he was about seven inches off. "I said,_ Let's do it. _"_

 _With a heavy sigh, she dealt out the cards. "Okay, dealer has an Ace. Buy insurance?"_

" _No, no, no, no, Cress. You never buy insurance. Don't turn the card over, but make sure it's not a ten or a face. If it's neither, then you say 'No blackjack'."_

 _She did as he said. "No blackjack," she told him._

" _Alright, what have I got?"_

 _She smiled. "Well,_ you've _got a blackjack, Mr. Thorne."_

 _He practically beamed, and it set her heart aflutter. "See, Cress? I told you my luck was kicking in."_

 _She rolled her eyes, and she felt her face burn with a blush. Stars, she wasn't ready for him to get his eyesight back._

 _Was that selfish? That was probably selfish._

 _They both chuckled as if he'd made a joke, and he cleared his throat and tilted his head down, as if he couldn't so much as even face her. "I guess you were right." She paused for the anticipation of it. "For once."_

" _I'll have you know that I'm_ always _right."_

" _Not even in your dreams, Thorne," said Cinder as she marched by. "You two, meeting in the usual spot. Two minutes."_

 _Cress jumped up, and looked at Thorne to see his hand jutting up at her. She took hold of it and pulled him to standing. "You good?"_

" _Yup. Will you lead me?" he asked, punctuating his question with a squeeze of her hand._

 _Her chest ached for him. If she was going to be selfish anyway, then she felt almost justified in wishing that he would never get his sight back, simply so that he would always have an excuse to hold her hand. "Of course!"_

* * *

The automatic notification was what woke her. "Arrived."

Cress jolted up from the seat, only to be pushed back down with the pressure of the harness. She rubbed her shoulder where the strap had dug in.

Her head pounded. It felt like there was a hammer inside of her skull, pounding against the area just above her right ear. She groaned and tried to massage it, but that only made it worse.

Unbuckling her harness and pushing open the door, she shielded her eyes from the glaring sun and stepped out of her hover. The light was making her feel nauseous.

And as she walked to her apartment, she was hit with a painful realization, one that almost mirrored the migraine she'd developed in both its intensity and sudden onset.

She was starting to realize that her dreams weren't just that.

She had loved Thorne.

And the feeling wasn't completely gone.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : *groans incoherently*

Re: A review I received on the last chapter: There is some gay in this chapter. There will be some (but not enough, never enough) in future chapters. Nothing about it is inappropriate. They are mutually exclusive things, and I'm [not] sorry that I refuse to make everyone straight just bc Marissa did.


	12. Chapter 11

She sat in front of her netscreen. She was tired; waking up every day at 5:30 was starting to get to her. She and Radha were supposed to go see a movie tonight. Escaping the Milky Way, it was called. Cress couldn't pretend like she wasn't interested, but stars, she just wanted to lay down. Her lids were heavy with sleep, and she feared she'd fall asleep and miss all of Radha's comms.

Speak of the devil, her port pinged.

"Should I start getting ready? :-)"

Cress thought she might start crying, purely out of exhaustion.

Her eyes were drooping. She had to say something. Anything.

"I'm so tired," she replied.

The next message came through immediately. "Are you okay?"

She was. She was fine.

Except that this would've been the second time that week that she had canceled plans with Radha. And this was Friday! She should have been able to push through it for at least a few more hours, and spend her time sleeping tomorrow.

It didn't help that she dreamt so much about Thorne now that she knew her dreams were more like memories. The worst part was trying to separate the dreams from what was once reality.

Good stars, she was almost afraid to actually try. What she had with Radha was good. It was strong and stable and she felt so loved. Thorne needed to figure himself out and so did she.

She didn't need him, and she didn't need her past.

Not that she was giving it up. She, Winter, Cinder, and Scarlet all stayed pretty close. She was still working on the whole friend thing, but Radha's friends were starting to grow on her.

 _Stars_ , was she a bad person for canceling their plans so much? Radha deserved so much more than hope and canceled dates, but Cress herself deserved more sleep, and she had to look out for herself, too, right?

"I'm feeling well. Just really tired."

"I can come over," Radha replied. "We can take a nap together, I can take care of you."

She just wanted to be alone. That was the whole thing.

She took a deep breath and tapped in a response. "You're sweet, but I think I'm going to fly solo today."

Another comm came through too fast. As though Radha was expecting the disappointment. "Ok"

Cress had screwed up. She knew before that Radha's patience for her would have limits, but she had hit that limit now.

Now she really wanted to cry. They hadn't been together long, but what they had was wonderful, and she was already screwing it up.

Cress rubbed her eyes and tried not to cry, telling herself that she was just tired, and Radha was disappointed, and that was all. She needed to sleep, and then she could patch things up when she was feeling better.

She let herself fall hard into a dream- and memory-less sleep.

Only to wake up two hours later, groggy and mostly starving. She felt greasy and needed a shower, but food would come immediately after. And she should probably venture outside. It was almost 20:00 and the sun would be going down in just over an hour. The least she could do is remind herself what a Los Angeles sunset looked like on a clear day. It'd been so cloudy lately that she felt she was starting to miss out. She pulled herself out of bed and headed towards the bathroom.

Cress tried to never take showers for granted now. She wasn't wasteful, but they weren't as limited as they were on the satellite, so she always tried to savor them. Showers were great – they were her own little get out of jail free card.

And she was considering what she would say to Radha. She had to be kind, gentle, and understanding– like her girlfriend, whose patience had probably disintegrated by this point. Cress didn't check her port when she woke up. She would worry about it in the hover on her way to her favorite Indian takeout restaurant. She should probably place an order before she left, too, so that she wouldn't have to wait too long.

Maybe she should video comm Radha. Her love merited that much.

She would get in her hover, place her order, and then call. That's how it would have to go. It would certainly be ready before she got there, especially if the conversation went on longer than she expected.

Stars, she wasn't looking forward to this. She wasn't ready for Radha to leave her. She didn't want to lose her, and she didn't want to lose what ground she had covered.

She quickly dressed and ran her fingers through her hair, scrunching it up as she moved them down her head.

She tried not to be disappointed that she didn't have any comms, and then tucked her port into her pocket and left her apartment, hearing the lock reengage as the door shut behind her.

Get to hover. Place order. Video Radha.

She got in her hover. Her head was a mess, and she was anxious as all get out. She should just get it over with. Rip the bandaid off. No numbing gel. It would be over before she knew it.

She pulled the port from her pocket and pressed the video chat icon on the corner of the screen. Said the callee's name aloud.

Three green dots appeared and reappeared in the center of the black screen as it connected to Radha's port. Her heart was thudding in her chest and her leg was trying to shake away the anxiety.

It took thirty-six seconds for her to answer. Cress noticed immediately that she wasn't alone, and she could barely hear her over the music in the background, and she could barely make Radha out in what little light her screen expelled.

"Hey," she said, louder than she normally would. "Are you… can you talk?"

Radha pursed her lips, leaning forward and away from the two people next to her. "I'm with Julio and Anya. We're hanging out. I don't have time to talk. Maybe later?"

Cress was the disappointed one now. "Oh… okay," she replied. Off-screen, Anya laughed at something that was happening. Radha had looked at something in the same direction and started laughing, too.

"Talk to you later?" she shouted, not looking at Cress.

Cress tried to hold her composure. "Have fun."

The connection was severed before she could get out the last word.

Her arms fell, dejected. She chewed her bottom lip and tried not to cry. She had really, really screwed up.

Shoving her port into her pocket, she rubbed her knuckles into her eyes to dissuade any tears from popping out.

Her hover came to a stop, the speaker announcing the arrival, and she shut her eyes again.

She had forgotten to place the order. And she didn't feel like deciding on somewhere else. It would take too much energy.

It was just that now, she was stuck at the restaurant for 20 minutes and hoping that she wouldn't have to rush to the bathroom to hide her tears. She took a measured breath. Good air in, bad air out.

She got out of her hover, motivated by the empty tumbling of her stomach.

The scent of the restaurant was all spices, and somehow none of them clashed. The prominent colors were gold and red, and the eat-in tables were made of smooth mahogany. The waitstaff was human; they used the order screens only for take-out orders. She'd do more than order out when she ate there one day, but for now, she wanted to get back to her apartment as soon as possible.

There was a row of three computers set up along the front counter. She ordered a medium-spicy curry with lamb. She selected the vegetables she wanted in it and an extra side of naan.

It would be a long wait, punctuated by the dizziness she was feeling. She should've known better, she should have taken a snack. She should have ordered before she gotten there. That was the plan in the first place.

Stars, how much could one person hate themselves in a day?

Cress found a seat in the waiting area, tucked in a corner. There, she forced herself not think about Radha or all the damage she'd done to their relationship. She tried not to think about anything, forcing all of her attention into a stupid net game. It was a dating sim. She wasn't necessarily invested, because her work hours deemed it impossible to check it at all during the day, thus saving her from any sort of obsession, but it was good at sucking in her full attention.

But something snagged on to a tiny morsel of attention that still strayed from her, a bright blue shirt in the corner of her eye.

She glanced up, suddenly curious as to what had tugged at her.

Her heart nearly stopped.

Her heart beat faster.

Her heart couldn't take much more of this.

Wasn't Los Angeles supposed to be huge? In a city so large, it was supposed to be nearly impossible to see one person more than once.

Cress really hated her bad luck.

She sank deep into the cushioned booth, hoping he wouldn't see her. Hoping he had already placed his order and was only there to pick it up. He wouldn't have time to see her if that were the case.

He tapped the "Begin Order" button on the middle screen and she knew she was a goner. He would see her, and the stars only knew how he would react. Would he run away from her again?

Would she run away from him?

Well, she would have to face him one day. Might as well be today, when she'd already screwed up the rest of her day.

He spotted her as soon as he placed his order and turned on his heel.

He looked like he wanted to run. He was ready to run, she could see it as it all but twitched through his muscles.

To keep him from doing just that, she lifted her hand in a small wave.

His relief was palpable.

He waved back, but turned away from her and started to shuffle to the other waiting area.

Cress stood up quickly, struggling to keep herself from hiding under the table. "Thorne!"

Thorne went rigid, freezing mid-step. He turned slowly, and she knew that he was anxious. She had approached him. Well, not really, but she'd called out to him. Stars above, she'd made the choice to _talk to_ _him_.

But it was hard to argue that she'd made the decision at all. It was an impulse. It was natural to call out his name, to _want_ him to come talk to her. Where it came from, she wasn't sure, but she couldn't argue that she'd had control over it at all.

She sat down as he got closer to her table, suddenly regretting ever leaving her apartment in the first place.

He stopped two steps away, hands in his pockets. He tipped back on his heels and then forward onto the balls of his feet. "Hey. How are you?"

"I'm doing alright." She glanced anxiously at the chair across the table, considering. "Do you want to sit?"

He was reluctant to take her offer, but he did. According to her port, she still had approximately thirteen minutes to kill.

"How are you?" she asked, trying not to let her pounding heart make its way into her throat.

"I'm great!" he said, though there was not a hint of honesty in his tone. "I'm… I'm surviving."

Her bottom lip quivered as she moved to say something. "That's all we can do, right?"

The attempt at light-heartedness fell flat when she couldn't commit to it.

Silence fell again between them.

It was _really_ getting awkward.

She glanced up at him. She glanced out the window above her table. She glanced at the counter to see if anyone had come out with her meal yet. She glanced back at him.

"I, um…." She stopped when his gaze on her intensified. It was like he was making up for all the time he didn't get to look at her. Or maybe she was simply imagining it. "I think… that I'm starting to remember…."

She had expected at least a smile. She had expected at least a lightness in his sad, sky blue eyes.

Instead, his face fell even further. "Remember what?"

"You, the war, something about a rooftop. A kiss, maybe. Mistress Sybil's death." He face scrunched and she pressed her fingers into her forehead. "It's a lot. It's too much."

His jaw clenched and unclenched and he looked down at his hands on the table. "That… that is a lot."

"And it's not fair to Radha."

He glanced up at her, furrowed his brow. "Who?"

"My… she's my girlfriend. The one from the mall."

He looked pleasantly surprised. "Girlfriend. Interesting."

"Yeah, it's a new development," she admitted. "And, uh, that girl from the mall, that was with you. Was she… your…?"

"She wanted to be, but no. She was really narcissistic." He still seemed nervous, but he was clearly starting to calm down. "Nothing like you."

She froze.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry, I'm sorry. Uh, but yeah, she wasn't that great, and I wasn't much looking to date anyway. I've just been trying to find my grounding."

"Have you kept in contact with anyone?"

"Everyone," he said. "Just about." His eyes flitted from her to the table. "They're all doing well, and I'm happy for them. It's just been hard."

She gave a curt laugh. "Tell me about it."

It would only be a few minutes now. Somehow, she hated that time was passing so quickly. Some part of her wanted to stay there with him. The rest of her, the parts that wanted to go home, were not nearly so motivated.

Thorne leaned his chin into his palm. "We should have coffee sometime."

Her anxiety breached the surface. "Maybe. I've got to make time in my schedule for Radha first. Once I've got that down, I'll let you know."

"I'll accept that." He gave her a small smile, and she saw the tiniest twinge of hope in that upturn of his lips.

She was relieved by that smile. "I, uh, would like to catch up some time, though."

"You just have to find the time."

"Right."

Cress finally returned his smile, and hers was just as small.

"Crescent," someone said from the front counter. "Order 1253?" Her hunger returned in full force, and her mouth was already watering.

Thorne chuckled. "I think you should go get that. You look half-starved."

She tugged at a loose strand of hair hanging off of her shoulder, wrapping it around her finger until the tip turned purple. "I am. I am going to go home, though. Talk to you later?"

He wet his lips. His smile widened. "Yeah. Later."


	13. Chapter 12

"You were so freaked out and I was _really_ blind," he chuckled, taking a huge gulp of his mango bubble tea.

Cress narrowed her eyes at him. "You walked in on me in the bathroom? While I was _naked_?"

She played with the straw of her own bubble tea. It was jasmine, a very flowery taste, and definitely not her favorite, but she couldn't complain much–the tapioca balls that filled the first fourth of the cup were enough to make her want it again and again. Next time, she'd try a different flavor.

She had passed the restaurant many times since she moved to Los Angeles, always curious about what the food on the signs tasted like, but never had she actually gone in. It was one of Thorne's favorite spots, and he had suggested it almost immediately when she commed him earlier that morning to meet up.

Fortunately, it wasn't too busy for a Saturday lunch.

"You were singing," he explained. "That's what drew me in in the first place. And I was covered in sand and sweat and can you blame me? You were hogging the bathroom!"

She harrumphed. "I _highly_ doubt that I was 'hogging' anything. You were probably just being impatient."

"I was _covered_ in sand and _sweat_."

"So was I!"

"Yeah, but you totally could have taken a shower instead." He laughed. "Or, you know, closed the curtain."

She crossed her arms, defiant. "I'm sure I didn't expect anyone to be intruding."

Thinking about it, Cress knew that Thorne could have been making the entire thing up. She didn't remember even a frame of what he was telling her. He could have been playing her. What was the Second-Era saying? Like a violin? Or fiddle. Probably fiddle. It flowed better.

Cress told herself she didn't care. What would he gain by lying, anyway? Especially when there was a chance she could regain her memories back. Well, not a very good chance, according to her doctor, but she never listened to him anyway.

"Probably not." He grinned at her. "I'll be more careful next time."

She cocked an eyebrow, ignored the sudden pang of something she felt in her core.

 _Next time._

He laughed and took another drink.

Cress rubbed at her eyes. They were still that salty sort of dryness that happens when you cry without wiping your eyes enough. She was uncomfortable with the feeling; she knew she should head to the bathroom and wipe away the remnants of tears with a wet paper towel, but she didn't want to stop talking to him for even a moment.

It was her fault for not making much of an effort of cleaning herself up before she left her place that morning, so she decided to put up with it for a little longer.

She hadn't really spoken to Thorne since they'd run into each other the week before at the restaurant, but today, she needed anyone to talk to her, comfort her. It was safe to say that Rani would not be a good outlet, nor would any of the others she knew, considering they were all Radha's friends.

And she knew whose side they would take.

Stars, she missed her so much.

* * *

On Thursday night, Cress was making tea to soothe her to sleep. It had been a rough few days – ever since she told Radha that she'd run into Thorne, things had been… different. Radha had shut down completely, had muttered about how she "knew this would happen" and left.

And so it was a great surprise, an anxiety-inducting surprise, when Radha showed up at her door at 21:58.

Cress forced a smile, tilted her head, ignored her nerves. "Hey," she said. "I've been worried about you. I haven't heard from you since… yeah, it's been a while." She tried to not know what was coming. "Come in, I just made tea. Would you like any?"

Radha shook her head and sat down at the chair in front of Cress's desk. "No, thanks. I won't be long."

"Oh, okay." Cress poured herself a cup and sat on her recliner, the only real piece of furniture in her tiny living room. "Is everything okay?"

She was certain that the answer was 'no.' Two days was either enough time to think through everything or enough time to ruin everything.

They hadn't been together long, but what they had was good.

Radha looked at her. Her eyes were red, but they were dry. "I don't think this is working out."

A beat passed in silence. "We're not working out," Cress clarified.

"Yeah, and it's… it's a culmination of a lot of things, but I think we'd just be better off as friends."

Cress wet her lips. "Friends. I see."

"I'm sorry," said Rahda. "This was a really hard choice for me to make, but I just feel like you're going to get your memories back and I'll have no room in your life."

"That's not fair."

Radha put her face in her hands. "I know. I know it isn't. It's just how I feel."

They were both silent. What could Cress say? She didn't want to ask her to stay. It didn't seem right, not when Radha so clearly wanted out of her life.

"Just go," she said. "I understand why we're breaking up," though she didn't at all, "and I don't think there's much else to talk about."

"Cress, I-I'm sorry."

A tear pricked the corner of her eye. "Please just go."

After Radha left, it was all Cress could do to just get up and lock the door and put the teacup on the counter to be cold in the morning.

She shut off the lights. Lay in bed. Disappeared.

* * *

Thirty-seven hours later, she was sitting in an "Asian Bistro", enjoying bubble tea with someone she barely remembered knowing.

And she felt… okay.

Her chest was still a little hollow, but at least she could smile. The dried tears under her eyes were just a side effect of keeping herself locked up in her small apartment.

"How do you like it?" he asked her, shaking her from her thoughts.

She furrowed her brow. "What?"

He gestured at the cup in her hand. "Your tea."

"Weird flavor, but I really like the tapioca balls."

He smirked. "They definitely make it a more _well-rounded_ drink."

She glared at him. He chuckled.

"Is the mango good?"

He nodded. "Wanna try it?" He pushed it to her side of the table and she looked down at it, unsure of what to do next. "I don't have cooties. Just try it."

Cress had never had a mango before, and after taking a sip of his tea, she decided that if mangoes tasted anything like that, they would be her new favorite fruit.

"Wow," she said, sitting back. "Much better than the jasmine."

Thorne nodded. "I know. The jasmine isn't that great. I just didn't want to say anything since I figured you should make that decision for yourself."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Rude."

"I was being considerate," he defended.

She crossed her arms, defiant. "Still rude."

"Now you're just being biased," he said, a hint of a smile on his face.

Cress couldn't help but smile back. "In any case, I wish you would've told me. Flowers should just… stay flowers, I think."

"And now you're being close-minded! You haven't even tried the lavender!"

She kicked him lightly under the table. "Will I ever win with you?"

"Only if you try." He winked.

It was suddenly hard to breathe, hard to think. She was flooded with that sense she got when she woke up from her dreams that felt like memories–her chest grew heavy and she was dizzy.

She blinked it all away. "Well," she said, "I guess I'll just have to do that next time."

Then, his port started ringing. He glanced at it and then sighed. "I've gotta go. Lunch plans with a friend. I'll comm you later, if that's okay."

She beamed at him. "That's okay."

After Thorne left, she took a moment to take in the ambience of the bistro. There was soft music playing in the background, lightbulbs in red lampshades that hung over tables and over the kitchen, big tinted windows that let in just the perfect amount of sunlight, and rubber plants sprinkled throughout.

Cress loved Los Angeles.

Though it was where she'd experienced her first big heartbreak, she was still young. Thorne had told her that she had a lot more heartbreak to come, probably, but she also had a lot of successes waiting for her. She had already accomplished so much, he'd said, even if she didn't remember a lot of it.

She wanted to believe that she would remember everything one day, that by some stroke of luck, everything would just rush back. It happened in the net dramas all the time, but she was always repeating to herself what Cinder had told her: life wasn't quite so easy.

She sat back against the booth and drank down the rest of her tea, discarding the cup. She was going to take this day for herself. She'd had the last day and a half to herself, but this time, she was going to try not to be miserable. She would think about Radha, about the soreness in her chest, and it would hurt, but it would not own her.

"It feels like the end of the world, but it isn't," he had told her, and she would throw everything into believing it.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : Not gonna lie, this is disappointing for how long I've been working on it. I must've restarted it a dozen times. Anyway, I promise I still love you guys.


	14. Chapter 13

Cress was about 106% certain that she was going to die.

For one, she couldn't catch her breath. Her lungs burned and ached for any respite from the exertion, her heart seeming to want to burst through her sternum. If she couldn't slow her breathing, she was sure she would pass out. Somehow, that wasn't the worst-case-scenario in this situation.

For two, the muscles in her legs were not prepared for what was required of them. They screamed with every stride, promising pain that would last for at least a week, if she ever made it through this.

As her feet pounded the ground, her legs pushing ever forward to where she needed to be, she was sure that they would give out. Or catch fire. Whichever came first.

For three, Thorne wasn't breathing heavily at all next to her as they ran side-by-side. He had slowed to match her pace, which was obviously painful for him.

"Thorne," she huffed, begging for him to notice the twinge of desperation in her tone, hoping he'd understand that she wanted–no, _needed_ –to stop.

"We're almost there."

Sure, she could see their mutually-agreed-upon finish line–the bench at the edge of the park–but it was still at least a quarter mile off. Though that didn't seem very far, it might as well have been on the other side of the planet.

Her legs pumped away as she continued to replay his words in her mind. They were almost there. Her lungs were threatening to implode upon themselves, but they were almost there.

The last time she remembered running, it wasn't for fun (not that she was having any fun now), and it was when she had lost five of seven rounds of blackjack to Little Cress. She had been running in place, of course, as the satellite wasn't exactly designed with an open floor plan in mind. Either way, it had sucked, but not nearly as bad as _actually_ running.

She couldn't even believe she'd suggested running together. Cress had asked one of her coworkers what he did for fun, trying to think of something she could suggest to Thorne so that they could have a good reason to hang out. She hadn't exactly chosen the right person, though, considering Justin's hobby was doing half-marathons with his husband. Cress had known this fact beforehand, and didn't know why she thought Cristina's response would be anything other than 'running'. In any case, she wanted to give it a shot.

Thorne was excited for it, though he cited his surprise at her offer.

"I didn't know you were into running," he'd said.

Cress had decided to lie and replied, "I've been getting into it."

She wasn't very good at lying, and she was sure he'd caught on by now.

Except that, when they got to the end and Cress bent over, bracing herself on her knees, Thorne lifted his leg and rested the ball of his foot on the bench. Stretching forward, he grinned at her.

"You're not bad for having just gotten back into running," he said. This made her feel guiltier for lying, as he had apparently believed her.

He began to stretch his other leg.

She felt it wasn't quite the right time to own up to her lie, though. "It's a process," she said, panting. "I'm still trying to figure out the whole," she waved one hand through the air, "'for fun' part of it."

"You just have to pace yourself," he said. He stretched his arms over his head, leaning to each side. "Might want to take a break after today."

"Oh?"

He grabbed a hand towel out of his backpack and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Except that Cress noticed that he didn't seem to have been sweating at all. "I can't be sure, because I'm not you, but I think you might've pushed yourself a little too hard."

She sighed. "You caught onto that, huh?"

Maybe he hadn't completely believed her lie. It didn't matter either way, especially now that her lungs didn't hurt nearly as much.

Stars above, she had about three layers of sweat on each part of her exposed skin. She was thankful there were no mirrors nearby to show her just how much of that was showing through her clothes.

Thorne handed her a bottle of water from his pack. "I'll be glad to do this more often."

It was hard to tell, but she either blushed or her face had already been warm from the workout.

She chose to go with the latter.

"We can do it weekly," he suggested. "Compare schedules and see one day when we can do it. Keep you motivated." He winked at her. She was definitely blushing now. "Fortunately, my schedule stays pretty open."

He was just as charming as Cinder had been telling her, and it was just as frustrating as Scarlet said. But perhaps in a different way.

Scarlet hated his charm. Cress wasn't so sure that she did.

"That sounds good. I'll comm it to you when I get back to my place."

Thorne smiled broadly at her. "Need a ride?"

"That's okay," she said. "It's too nice of a day not to walk." She was, however, suddenly aware of how much sweat she could feel on her forehead, likely glistening in the afternoon sun. She probably had sweat stains.

Crossing her arms, she smiled at him. "Thanks again for coming. It was nice to get out and do something."

"Well, whenever you want to see something other than the inside of your office, just give me a comm. Like I said, I can open my schedule whenever."

Cress took a step back, trying to calculate the quickest route back to her apartment as she did so. "I'll keep that in mind." She waved at him as she turned to walk away. "I'll see you soon, Thorne."

She could feel him staring at her as she left. Well, that, or she was only imagining it. She was afraid to turn her head to see. Chances were, he was already walking away, and she didn't need that kind of disappointment.

She and Thorne had gotten closer since they met up for bubble tea. He was one of the few non-strangers she knew in L.A., and the only one she knew outside of work. The only non-stranger outside of work whom hadn't broken her heart, or been involved in those heartbreaks.

Not as far as she could remember, at least.

Her feet ached as her apartment building came into view. She knew that she should have accepted the ride home, even if it was only half a mile, but she'd recently developed this issue where being in such close proximity with him made her nervous. She hadn't quite figured out why, though she had an idea or two.

Both of which she chose not to think about.

Back at her apartment, she grabbed a fresh change of clothes and headed for the shower. She prompted the small netscreen in her bathroom – which mostly controlled the default water temperature and showerhead setting – to play her Second Era playlist.

As she worked through the knots in her hair with shampoo and a comb, she sang an old tune in Italian, a nearly-extinct language she would never learn. The song itself she had discovered when she was 13, when she traversed the cultural archives of Italy and found it tucked away in a file marked "2013 A.D."

The unfortunate thing about the archives was that, for security purposes, things were encrypted so only those that controlled the archives were permitted to release file copies, and only after documenting the proper identification. The fortunate thing was that Cress was very good at breaking encryptions.

She'd fallen in love immediately with the lilting voice of the singer, with the way the music surrounded the words and lifted them up, exalting them. She'd translated the song once, using an old program that she herself had to update the code of before having even the capability of simply copying and pasting the words. Cress couldn't much remember what exactly it said, but it was about finding love, losing it, and moving on.

Her voice rose with the notes in the song as she rinsed the shampoo from her hair.

And then her head was pounding, her vision going blurry. She braced herself on the bar on the shower door to keep herself from falling to the ground, though her knees buckled beneath her.

Before her eyes, a flash of a bathtub, sore legs, sunburnt skin, her own singing. And she remembered Thorne, dirty and sweaty and grinning broadly at her with a bandana around his neck. She remembered being embarrassed, though she also remembered reminding herself that he could not see her.

Just as quickly as the vision hit her, it disappeared, and she was left in a haze of steam and confusion.

She sank to the shower floor, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them as the shower water rained down on her, the water cooler where it fell further from the showerhead.

 _The desert._

Cinder was telling her about the desert once, when Cress was still in the hospital. About how they were out there for days and she and Thorne were severely dehydrated when they found the traveling caravan. Those people who ultimately betrayed them.

She stood up quickly, managing to catch herself on the wall before she slipped, and got out of the shower, suds of shampoo still clinging to her wet hair.

She ran to her netscreen and pulled up a word processor. On her tablet, she pulled up an interview of Cinder, Thorne, Scarlet, and Kai after the revolution (the news station had wanted to focus on the earthen perspective, and though Cinder was Lunar, the interviewer had said that she should be involved, because she was raised on Earth.) (Cress thought it was a good argument.)

She had watched the interview multiple times, and this was the first time that she listened to each story and didn't feel as though they were all just recounting the events that happened in a Second Era–Corrupt Government/Revolution novel. For the first time, it all felt… real.

Turning back to her netscreen, the cursor blinking on the word processor, she tapped out every dream or memory she had had since her accident. Though much of them were hazy, she wrote as many details as she could remember.

It was a mere bullet-pointed list without any context or order. Stream-of-consciousness thoughts quickly put on a page, with spelling mistakes abounding. It didn't matter. Organization was not the important part of this project. Not yet.

She spent the next four hours rewatching the interview twice, arranging her memories in the order that they were recounted in, adding in notes underneath each based on what was said in the interview.

Cress recalled also that only a few of the memories she'd had were related to anything her friends had told her – the rest were private moments, or ones that were more intimate, so they were probably never brought up, or seemingly unimportant.

Maybe the bathroom scene fell into the former category. Maybe that's why it was never mentioned or recounted to her.

She wanted to think that maybe it'd never happened, but too much about it seemed realistic. It made sense. Thorne _had_ been blind when they were in the desert, so it was logical that she would have reminded herself then that he couldn't see her.

Cress pushed her hands through her hair, her heart rising into her throat.

Everything was coming together.

And she knew now that there was only one thing left to do: talk to Thorne.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Well, I can say one thing: the rest of this fic is completely written and ready to be posted! You no longer have to go on thinking it's never going to return! It is done and I am proud of the ending. And am proud of you guys for sticking around, even if it has been like two years since I started this fic, and with little payout.


	15. Chapter 14

**Thorne**

Sometimes, he felt like he was dying.

He was finally getting her back, and that was enough.

He wanted it to be enough. Needed it to be.

As for making her fall in love with him again, it wasn't exactly a goal, and he wasn't necessarily trying.

He wasn't not trying, either.

Cinder had told him to be himself (and had cringed as she said it), so that's what he was doing.

He didn't feel much like himself around Cress, though. Because he knew their history and she couldn't remember it. He knew that he had loved her – _does_ love her – but that she didn't know how to feel the same way back.

It wasn't that he didn't want Cress to love him back again. Her love before had started out as hero worship and evolved into something much stronger. He had always been glad that he didn't ruin that impression she'd had of him. But without that foundation, he wasn't sure there was anything to build on, save for the hope that she'd one day remember everything, and that it wouldn't be too late.

This new life she had didn't require him. They saw each other now and then, commed and chatted when there was something of substance to talk about, but that was it. Thorne wasn't sure if she could redevelop her love for him. They had no foundation. He was just a guy that she was told she knew before she lost her memory. Maybe that was the only reason she was comfortable around him at all.

It was hard to have to constantly tell himself that it probably wasn't because some part of her knew him for what he had been to her before.

As he watched her walk away, he willed her to turn around. To see him watching her and to know he thought of her outside of their occasional interactions.

He thought so often of her.

She never turned back. With a sigh, he swiveled around and headed to his hover, kicking himself inside for letting her go. For not trying to fill the rest of his open Sunday afternoon with her gentle presence.

He could only hope that she would take him up on his offer to go running together weekly. He had known that she'd never run before in her life, especially not since the war or before, but it was an excuse for them to hang out. He would take that. That was enough.

With the money he made from his Apollo sponsorships, Thorne kept a modest home on the outskirts of the city, with a comfortable chunk of land around it. It was a good 20 minute drive when traffic wasn't heavy.

After parking the hover in the garage and plugging it into the charging dock, he hopped out and grabbed his pack.

He walked into a fully-furnished home that felt nothing but empty.

It was a ranch-style house with three bedrooms – two extra rooms for when Cinder and Kai or Scarlet and Wolf wanted to visit. Not that any of them had much time for him. Aside from the occasional well-timed video comm session, and daily "how are you?"s, they didn't talk much.

Life was easier when you made your own schedule; it was easier when you were the face of an interplanetary company that created the very cargo ship you used during a war, the very cargo ship that you were two royalty paychecks away from officially owning.

Life was harder when you had no one to share that kind of excitement with. Thorne loved his Rampion, and it was so close to belonging to him. And Cinder was happy for him, but that was all he was allowed.

If Cress was who she had been before, she would've been ecstatic for him. She would've maybe been there with him, having come home with him because that was where she lived, too.

They would've been discussing building a dock for the Rampion beneath the backyard, because it would've been the both of them who preferred that over the alternative of moving to a home that had more acreage to spare space for an above-ground one. It would have been the both of them who knew they lived too near the city to just have it occupying outdoor space. It would've been both of them that didn't want to store it in a garage in the city, though that was where it was now.

Cress and Thorne had talked about living together before. Having separate rooms but otherwise sharing a living space. Building up their relationship until they were prepared to share a room, a bed. Their boundaries in the house would have been different than those aboard the Rampion, where there was nowhere else to go.

Thorne walked into his room to grab clothes and shower, considering if he wanted to make lunch or order in. His Serv4.2 had been busy that morning while he was gone; his laundry chute had a green dot next to the word _Empty_ , and there were fresh towels in the bathroom closet.

He thought often about the first time they'd kissed. Not the kiss on the rooftop – she had not been expecting that; they had not been together.

The first time they'd really kissed, the one they'd agreed on as their official First, she had been expecting it. She had instigated it, in fact. Thorne had been careful around her, afraid to push her too much. But her eyes and her smile and the way she inched closer to him had been enough for him to know exactly what she'd wanted.

They'd only just returned from a post-dinner strategy meeting. It had lasted two hours and they were both exhausted. They shared a room now, though not a bed, as Thorne had only just confessed his feelings for her the day before. They didn't want to move too fast, especially not with the impending war and, another important factor, Cress being young.

But Thorne was tired, his defenses down, and she was gazing in him in a way that made his heart swim into his throat. She moved closer, smiling. It was strange, to see her moving toward him in such an uncharacteristically confident manner.

She was scared, he knew. It wasn't that all she wanted was to forget how scared she was about the whole situation, but that was an important part of it.

On the other hand, he couldn't keep himself from taking her in his arms when she was close enough, from pressing his forehead against hers – though she was trying to pull him closer, to reach up enough to touch her lips to his.

That had made him smile. He wanted her, too, but he was so hesitant about breaching their boundaries.

Her hands cupping his face, one hand on her back and the other buried in her hair - that was all that mattered.

Sometimes, in times of war, you have to let your heart win. And he did.

Her lips were as warm as they were on the rooftop, though more so now that she wanted it, now that she was expecting it. She was kissing him with such intent and passion that he thought she'd probably been aching for it.

The feeling was mutual.

Her fingers worked through his hair and he held her fast against him, his fingers pressing against her back, the fabric of her shirt not quite thick enough to keep him from feeling the warmth of her skin.

When he pulled away – and he had to, because she showed no signs of stopping – he smiled at her. "Good evening to you, too," he said.

As if her air of confidence disappeared completely, she moved a few paces away from him, crossing her arms. "Hey," she said meekly.

"I thought we had rules."

She scratched her head. "We have rules, I know, I just…."

He bent forward and kissed the top of her head. "Me too, Cress. Me too."

Now, Thorne leaned his head against the shower wall, closing his eyes as the nearly-scalding water hit his chest.

He always replayed that memory. Her lips, how shy she was, and yet how proud she'd seemed afterwards. He missed her. He missed being around her and being comfortable in each other's presence. It wasn't fair, how hard life was sometimes. But at least she hadn't died. He would've never come back from that, he didn't think.

Perhaps it was his own subtle greed that kept fate from playing into his hand one more time. He wanted her to remember him, to love him again, despite how often he said that he was only happy that she was still alive.

He wanted it too much, even if he never told anyone.

They probably already knew. He was sure that they did.

He pulled a hand down his face.

He couldn't help but believe that all of this was his fault.

Letting his mind wander, Thorne noted that it was only a few weeks until Cress's birthday. He thought that he should try and make plans for that. It would be a nice gesture, and maybe he could get the others involved.

Cress was doing much better now, or so it seemed, so maybe it would be a good time to get them all together.

Thorne sighed, hoping Cress would agree.


	16. Chapter 15

Cress had become obsessive.

She had another interview playing on her port as she connected memories to dreams to confirmed stories on the netscreen in her small living room.

So much was still missing. Gaps. Especially from the desert. She knew everything that happened to her from Thorne's attempted rescue to the landing, and some of what went on in those days they wandered. But she didn't know how she felt during that time. They didn't talk about her much in the interviews; it was a sensitive subject, that she was not there with them in the interview room because she remembered nothing.

She knew of the process of the satellite crash. Not how she felt. Not the fear. She knew about when they ran into the camp. About the hotel, and when she was later kidnapped. Her rescue. Nothing in between.

She had learned so much, and yet she remained with so little.

She had learned of the war itself, of her attack on thaumaturge Aimery that ended in her memory loss. Once, in the hospital, a doctor had told her she was lucky to not have lost her eyesight, since the damage had occurred so close to her occipital lobe.

This wasn't luck. They could fix blindness. They couldn't fix memory loss.

Cress knocked her knuckles against her head, once again willing herself to just remember __something__. __Anything__. It was hard to endure the sheer uselessness of her long-term memory; sometimes, she lay in bed at night and cried about it. She hoped that she would one day regain her memory, and that she wouldn't have to ever admit to anyone just how painful it's all been for her.

She would figure it out. Even if she didn't remember it, she would learn what happened. All she had to do was work up the courage to ask Thorne about it, to dredge up the pain for him. She knew it hurt him. You could see it in every interview - how he visibly winced when her name was said. The way he skirted around the topic of her when it was broached.

He would endure it for her, wouldn't he? If she were the one asking. If he truly cared that much.

If he still cared that much.

She pushed her hands into her hair.

Her port __ping__ ed.

Sighing, she stepped away from the netscreen and stopped the interview playback.

She had a comm from Thorne.

"Hey, wanna go running today?"

It had been a week since they first went running in the park, so it made sense that he'd ask today. Cress sighed again. Dread filled her.

She had only just decided that she needed to ask him about the time in the desert. She wasn't sure how she would word it. Surely, preparation or no, she would stumble over her words and say it so incorrectly that she'd break him.

Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but one could never be too sure.

"When?" It was the easiest reply.

His was immediate. "I can be there in 20."

She considered her hair. If her workout clothes were clean. She considered that she hadn't yet eaten breakfast, nor brushed her teeth.

"I'll be ready." She turned to the netscreen. "Netscreen, save and power off." It did so. She tucked her port into her bra - "the fashion industry's best pocket", Iko had once said of bras - and stalked off to her room to get ready.

Her running pants, the ones she had bought specifically for the exercise, were still laying on her floor from the week prior. She hadn't done much cleaning in the last week, and it was reflected in the apartment's clutter. She hadn't done much of anything but go to work, the rest of her free time sucked away by her dedication to jogging her memory.

She grabbed them and performed a sniff test, deciding they were acceptable enough.

She rushed to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, trying to consider if she had any of those granola bars left.

Maybe there was one.

And then she needed to fill her water bottle.

Stars above, she was a mess of nerves. She had to talk to him today, it was the best time, considering she knew that they both had the entirety of Sunday free. Unless Thorne had other plans after. Maybe he met someone by now.

She would have to ask anyway. Maybe they could go to lunch afterwards, and she could dredge up memories of things he no longer wanted to talk about.

He'd do it for her. Or so she hoped.

* * *

Running was just as awful as Cress remembered. At the park bench, once again their end point, she was bent over with her hands on her knees, desperate to catch her breath.

"You haven't gone running again, have you?" Thorne asked, laughing.

"Listen," she breathed. She straightened and glared at him. "I was sore until Wednesday last week. That kind of turned me off from it. I only came out today because you were joining me."

He smiled at her, a glint of white teeth showing. "I'm happy to be your motivation."

Her heart skipped a beat.

She crossed her arms, ignoring the reaction. "Thanks, I suppose."

He laughed again. "Any time. Are you up to anything today?"

She scrubbed her hand towel down her face, wiping away the sweat. She would need to fix her hair if they were going anywhere. She hoped her clothes weren't obviously sweaty.

"No," she said. "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere for lunch?"

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm all booked up."

She felt herself deflate.

"I'm joking. There's a diner nearby we can go to. Is that good with you?"

She was suddenly overcome with anxiety. "Yeah, that's great."

When should she do it? Should she wait until they finish eating so he at least can have lunch before being upset? Or after they order so that they could confine the conversation to the diner?

She should've thought of this sooner.

Maybe the right time would come. Maybe she would just know.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. Fortunately, she was able to make a sound decision.

She'd confine the conversation to the diner. Not let it spread elsewhere.

They'd ordered, it was just a matter of bringing it up.

How should she start? "Hey Thorne, I know this is gonna hurt but let's talk about the desert. Let's talk about the satellite crash. And oh, what exactly happened when we crashed the royal weddings?"

She thought back to her dream of the kiss, months ago. Was that Thorne? She couldn't think of who else she would feel as comfortable with, especially considering the other men on their team had all been at least partially taken. Same for the women. Except Iko. But Cress was sure she would've known if it were Iko. And besides, there was a male voice behind it.

She just wished that she could recall it more clearly. She would know who it was, at this point, without having to ask.

Cress would just have to start talking. Wherever it took her, she could fix it. She just had to start.

Thorne cleared his throat uncomfortably. They'd been sitting in silence for too long.

"I wanted to ask you something." She felt her hands trembling beneath the table. "Or a few things. But if it makes you uncomfortable-."

"Go ahead," he said with a dip of his chin.

She wet her lips and stared at the table. "I've been working on something."

"What kind of something?"

"A memory map, I guess. I've had a lot of dreams in the last few months. And originally, I thought that they were just that. But then I realized that some of them were talked about in your interviews, and others weren't. So I kind of started putting things together and trying to connect them. And I wanted to ask you about a few things..."

He stared at her for a long moment. "You're remembering."

She swallowed hard. "Yes. Sort of. Some things. Other things I know of, just not personally. I still feel like an outsider."

"What did you want to ask me?" He seemed much more hopeful now, leaning with his elbows propped on the table.

She held eye contact with him for only a moment, willing herself to just get it over with. "The satellite crash... and the desert. What happened?"

He sat back and rubbed his neck. "What exactly do you want to know?"

"Everything."

And he gave her that. He weaved a story of fear and hopelessness, interjected with some hope when they were rescued, and more terror when she was kidnapped.

He seemed to be keeping it together pretty well.

Cress thought she would cry. Their food had been brought to them ten minutes ago, and neither of them had touched it.

She wanted to reach out, for him to take her hand. To ground her.

She took a long breath. "Was there... did we ever kiss? I feel like I remember something. But I only remember a kiss, and being afraid; nothing around it."

He nodded once, his eyes falling from her. "Fear. Could be when we were on Luna. Or maybe... the rooftop."

"Rooftop?"

He nodded. "You know about when we were kidnapping Kai from the palace?"

She thought for a moment. "Yes."

"We went to the rooftop to get to the spaceship - Iko - and Jacin had sold us out. And we were surrounded by guards. I'd promised you in the desert that I'd never let you die without being kissed, and I was sure we were going to die..."

"So you followed through," she said, voice almost a whisper.

The background details of that memory started to fill themselves in, remembering in the interviews how they talked about that specific event.

Thorne scratched his arm distractedly. "Cress, do you remember... I don't know if I should tell you about this. I feel you should know, in case you don't remember. It was really important." He looked at the table, at his food that was now cold. "But I'm not sure it's the proper venue?"

She felt more nervous, suddenly. "Please just tell me."

It didn't seem as though he could look at her. "Do you remember anything about Dr. Erland?"

She knit her eyebrows. "Head researcher of Letumosis in the Commonwealth, right? He turned out to be Lunar, I guess. You guys talked a bit about him in the interviews. He died from Letumosis, when it mutated to affect Lunars."

"Right." He still didn't look at her. "We were all there when he died. Do you remember it? We were preparing to escape the palace."

She blinked at him. "I don't, no."

"He told you that he was your father, Cress. Right before he died. Sage Darnel was his real name. And he was your dad."

Cress remembered it, suddenly. The pain. The heartache. Tears filled her eyes suddenly. "No." Her voice came out small and wavering.

"I'm sorry."

She covered her eyes with her hands, wishing she were home. Anywhere but here.

"I can take you home," he said, and it was what she wanted to hear. She just wasn't sure she could move without breaking down completely.

She shook her head. Not yet. "I remember." She squeezed her eyes. "I remember it... stars above, he knew the whole time and waited until he was almost dead. Stars above, what kind of person-"

"Cress." She stopped. "I know it hurts, and that he should've known the risks of war, but you can't let it break you down."

She sat back, looking at him with what she knew were puffy, red eyes. He was finally looking at her again. "It's just hard to understand."

He nodded. "You never really had time to work through it. It's okay."

She rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry I ruined lunch. I should've waited until after we ate."

"It's okay," he reassured. "I'm not sure I'm hungry anymore, anyway."

Cress swiped the tears from her cheeks. "Me neither. Can you take me home?"

He gave her a small smile. "Of course."

When he parked his hover in front of her apartment building, she glanced at him. "Would you... walk me up?"

He looked briefly anxious. "Yeah, I will."

He unlatched his harness and they both exited. Cress used her wrist to gain entry into the building and then again into the elevator.

"Thanks for... today, I guess. And I am sorry."

He leaned against the back wall of the elevator, looked down at her. "You don't have to be sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is for you."

She clenched her jaw. It was so hard.

She stared at her blurry reflection in the elevator's door, glad that it wasn't a long trip.

Thorne followed her as she led him to her apartment. He agreed to her invite to come in, and he complimented her on it.

"It's simple. I like it," he said.

"It's a mess. I need a Serv4.2." Cress laughed. "It's kind of bare, too. I was never really minimalistic in my head. I just don't know what to put here."

Thorne nodded. "I'm sure you'll think of something, if you ever do want to add more. But I think it's nice."

Cress smiled at him, and he returned it. "Thanks for hanging out today," he said. "I'm sorry it wasn't very fun."

She shrugged. "It was helpful."

"I'll see you later, Cress. Have a good day."

He turned to leave.

"Wait." She suddenly had an idea. She wasn't sure it'd be a good one, and how could it be when it came from all those net dramas she watched? But she was almost desperate now. "Can we... try something?"


	17. Chapter 16

She clamped her mouth shut, certain now that she didn't want to have said anything.

Thorne turned around. "What is it?"

She shouldn't have said anything. Should have just let him leave. Could she think of a cover for this?

Cress lifted her chin, building her confidence. She was a good liar - the best. Her role was that of a con woman. Everything she said was a perfectly crafted lie.

But as she looked at him, into the blue intensity of his eyes, she realized she had no way to cover it up.

"I was wondering," her mouth acted on its own accord; she hardly felt the words leave her lips, her throat, "if maybe we should kiss. It's... I think it's the only strategy I've yet to approach."

Maybe she didn't need to believe herself a liar. She needed to believe herself a confident woman, who knew what she wanted and that she deserved it.

Cress swallowed hard as she watched his internal battle play out in his features. He was unsure, hesitant. Afraid.

Wanting, maybe.

Yes. He wanted her. She deserved it.

But her role was crumbling even as she constructed it.

"I'm not sure I can do that, Cress." She thought he sounded hurt. Defeated. "That... that's a lot."

She wanted to cry. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, and yet she did anyway. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have said anything."

He shut his eyes. She counted three beats of her heart. He opened them. "Do you think it might help?"

Hope sparked before fizzling out again. "I really don't know."

He stared at her for a moment more. "Okay. Just one quick kiss."

She blinked. Her whole body was flooded with anxiety. "Really?"

"For you, anything."

He didn't seem as certain as he sounded, and Cress massaged the back of her neck. "Just a quick one. I hope... I really hope this is okay."

"Cress." His voice was gentle now, warm. "It's okay."

She steeled herself. "Okay."

He walked toward her. She held her shoulders taut, her hands in fists pressed against her thighs.

He stopped so close to her that she could smell his sweat from their workout. "Ready?"

She blinked, unable to form words, hoping it was enough for him to know it was a yes.

He cleared his throat. Wet his lips. Leaned down as she tilted her head back.

It was a quick kiss. She'd barely registered their lips making contact, and she waited. For some sort of feeling. A flood of memories. Perfect clarity.

Nothing happened.

She deflated, believing now more than ever that she was doomed to a shared history with a group of people that cared so much for her, but that she could not connect to.

Thorne frowned. "Nothing?"

She wanted to cry. She shook her head.

He looked at her for a moment, like he was considering something. "I have an idea, but I'll need your go ahead."

"Tell me," she said.

He looked away now, his eyes darting to a point over her head. "What if I- what if we reenacted our first kiss? Not the one on the rooftop, but our first real kiss?"

She knit her eyebrows together. "I don't remember it."

"I do." For some reason, those words stung. "I'll show you what to do. But it was a very real kiss, Cress. I need to know that it's all right for you. I don't want to overstep anything."

She worried at her bottom lip. "Okay. I mean, if it's a real event that occurred, it could jog my memory."

He took a step back, assessing her. "Okay, so your hands were here," he took her offered hands and placed them on either side of his face. His stubble scratched against her palms in a uniquely satisfying kind of way. "And mine," he placed one on her lower back, and she felt that his touch was electric. The other buried in her hair. She liked the feel of it. He wet his lips again and she couldn't keep her eyes from going to them.

She was nervous. But she wanted to do this. Had to try.

But Cress wasn't sure if she wanted to kiss him like this because it may jog her memory, or for other, more dangerous reasons. Like that she just wanted to kiss him.

She could feel herself trembling.

"It's okay to be scared," said Thorne. "We don't have to do this."

She looked at him, at the concern etched in the features that she was holding so gingerly in her palms. "I'm fine."

"When I lean in, push yourself onto your toes. It's how it happened."

"I'm ready."

He tilted his head toward her. She pushed herself onto her toes.

Their noses brushed. He inhaled sharply.

They were kissing.

Cress felt as though she was in another place, another time. Scared but certain that this is what she wanted. Scared but certain that Thorne wanted it, too.

Her hands flitted through his hair. His soft hair, damp with sweat but soft all the same.

And then her heart sped up, pounding so hard she feared it would crack her sternum. Could he feel it? It was beating so quickly.

She felt dizzy, her head seeming to be bursting like a dying star.

She pushed him away.

"Get out." Cress could not feel the words leave her. She wondered if she'd even said them at all.

But why did she want - no, need - him to leave? She wanted him there.

No, she wasn't sure that she did.

What did she want?

"Cress?"

Her vision went spotty, her legs trembling with the weight of holding her upright. Her head ached as though it was prepared to burst into flames. She felt bile rise in her throat.

"Get out!" she shouted, knowing she was only moments away from vomiting.

"Cress-"

"Leave."

She stumbled into the bathroom, not waiting for him to go before she dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and began to retch.

Bits of oat and granola made a reappearance, and she stared at them in wonder, through the blurriness of her vision, thinking of the bulk box she had only just opened, of how they would go to waste.

She faintly heard the click of her front door.

She retched again, and then she was pulled into the memory of Thorne, smiling at her. Touching her shoulder lightly, though restrained.

"Come back to LA with me," he said, "once all this is over. We can get a place. With separate rooms and a big yard and maybe even a cat."

Cress saw herself wanting a cat. Wanting a domestic life with him.

She retched again, though only water mixed with stomach acid came up.

She was pulled somewhere else, into a research facility, staring into a sterile room with a two way mirror and a man. Covered in blue spots. Coughing up blood.

Dying.

And he was telling her that he was her father, that he'd always wanted her. That he was so sorry.

Tears flooded from her eyes now at the vision of him quickly deteriorating.

And again, on a rooftop, helping Thorne hold a gun as she pressed her back against him, aiming for an advancing Lunar guard.

Cress pulled herself off of the floor, her dry heaving having stopped. She rinsed her mouth, robotically found her way to her bed. She fell into it, but she did not sleep.

* * *

 **Thorne**

"Leave."

What had he done?

He knew it was a mistake to bring it up, that it'd only hurt them both in the end.

What was going on? She was stumbling into the bathroom.

He had really messed it up this time, and he knew it. Tears pricked his eyes. He was going to lose Cress, for good now.

Unsure what else he could do, he turned and left. Regretting it when he heard her retching in the bathroom. Regretting it as soon as the door secured behind him.

He shouldn't have left. She'd demanded it, but he shouldn't have listened. What if something was seriously wrong? It would be his fault if anything happened.

He turned to the door, hitting it once with the side of his fist. "Cress!" He hit it again. "Cress, are you okay?"

He pressed his forehead against the cool wood of the door, hating every inch of himself.

"Cress," he said softly, speaking to himself now.

He straightened and strengthened his resolve, telling himself that he would check in on her. Or get someone to. He at least needed to go home and give her time to work through this, whatever this was.

And it hurt that he was going to leave her. It hurt that he was going to go home knowing he'd somehow ruined whatever was between them.

It hurt that he'd hurt her.

As soon as he got home, Thorne vid-commed Cinder. It was only just after 5 in New Beijing, and she would not be happy, but he needed her more than ever.

She answered after only one rotation of the connecting icon. "Thorne?"

Her hair was a mess. She'd clearly been deep in sleep. He wondered briefly if he'd woken Kai, too.

"Cinder, I know it's late, but we need to talk."

She groaned, swiping a hand down her face and pulling her hair back, though she had no hair tie to secure it like she usually did. "What's wrong?"

"It's Cress."

She was more alert now. "What's wrong? What happened?"

He explained everything, watching Cinder's expression change from that of confusion to shock to disappointment, and then to concern. "Thorne... that was really bad."

Tears pricked his eyes. He would not cry. "I know. I know. And I just left."

"You can't hate yourself for that," she said. "That was not a mistake. She told you to leave and it was right of you to respect that, no matter how confusing the situation was. Your mistake was kissing her in the first place. Not only do we not know what's wrong with her now, but I can't imagine how you feel."

It had killed him. He'd kissed her, hoping it would fix everything. And it did exactly the opposite. He rubbed his eyes. "Do you think it could... maybe help? Maybe she's remembering."

"Thorne," said Cinder. Her tone made him think of his father when he tried to remind Thorne that he wasn't smart enough to ever be promoted to pilot. He reminded himself that Cinder loved him, unlike his father. "You can't think like that. You can't get your hopes up like that."

He swallowed back tears. "I know. It's hard, though. You should've seen the way she looked at me. She was so afraid. And then she yelled at me." He forced a laugh. "Can you believe it? Cress, yelling?"

Cinder didn't smile. He didn't either. "Thorne, I'm so sorry."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I am, too." He sighed. "Go back to sleep, Cinder."

"Thor-"

He terminated the comm and threw his port so that it landed behind one of the couch pillows.

He would give her the rest of the day. He'd comm her this evening, to at least make sure she was still breathing. If she didn't respond, he'd ask someone else to comm her. Maybe Scarlet, since she was the most motherly of all of the girls. Or Ze'ev; he'd cared about Cress like a brother.

Someone would get ahold of her. Someone would tell him that she was alive, doing okay, even if he'd made her hate him.

* * *

After three days, Thorne was on high alert. He hadn't been able to get ahold of Cress. Scarlet had said that she checked on Cress and had gotten a quick, short response, and that was good enough. She told him to give Cress time to breathe.

But it was not good enough. He needed to know for himself. He needed to check on her, to at least make sure she was eating and drinking water and taking care of herself. It was not enough for her to be alive, he needed her to be thriving, too.

Just as he steeled his resolve, standing up from the chair at the dining room table, there was a knock at the door.

He hadn't ordered anything, and he wasn't expecting any visitors.

He warily made his way to the door, looked through the peephole, felt the air leave his lungs. He fumbled for the lock, throwing the door open and almost making a hole in the wall.

"Cress?"

"I got your address." Cress was staring at the ground, her arms crossed. She was talking like she'd been practicing a speech. "From Cinder, I mean. I hope that's okay. She said it wouldn't be a problem, but it felt intrusive anyway. Though I thought it was better than hacking your files." She grinned, looked at him, bit her lip. "I'm sorry about Sunday," she said. "I don't know what happened. It was really sudden. My head felt like it was going to split open and my vision was spotty, so I was really scared I might've ruptured something somehow. I saw my neurologist Monday, and they ran some tests."

She was rambling. What was she getting at? Some awful news? Would she be so calm if she were telling him she was dying?

"What's wrong?"

She smiled now. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong at all."

He frowned. "Cress?"

"Captain." He couldn't breathe. It was the way she said it, like she had back when he told her how he felt and she was telling him that she felt the same. Back when she _knew_ him. Cress stepped forward, wrapped her arms around his waist, pressed her cheek against his chest and her fingers against his back. "I'm so sorry that I forgot you."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Reviews are really nice to receive. My favorite kind of emails. You should leave one :)


	18. Chapter 17

Cress checked the time on her port for the fifth time in as many minutes. She tapped her foot incessantly, impatiently. "Thorne!" she called again. "Cinder is going to kill us for being late. Can we get a move on?"

Thorne stuck his head out of their bedroom–it had only just become theirs, instead of his, a few months ago–and he had a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. Cress crossed her arms as he shouted, his words muffled by his full mouth, "C'min!"

"You just brushed your teeth!" she yelled, huffing. And he had, two hours ago before they left to go on their daily run. The fact that he was doing it again was almost annoying.

He shrugged and disappeared into the bathroom.

She rolled her eyes just as a comm from María _ping_ ed in on her port. It was a short explanation of the project Cress would be starting once they got back from Rieux. Cress had been 18 for 9 months now, which meant she'd been full time for just as long, and her paycheck generously reflected that. She shot a quick comm back, telling María that she would get started on it as soon as she got back into work, but that she couldn't stay late on Monday. Cress had dinner plans with Radha, Rani, Julio, and Anya, and she tried to never cancel on them. They'd gotten back into contact a few months ago, and it was nice to have them around.

They were good friends, and a great reminder of who she became when she had to almost start over. They were a sign of her resilience, and she adored them all to pieces.

Cress began to pace, checking that their Serv11.2's feeding schedule for their cats, Boots and Little Cress, had been set correctly, especially since it was Thorne who had set it in the first place. But maybe that wasn't fair, because he had become a bit more responsible with the cats as time passed.

She walked to the sliding glass door that led to their backyard.

It was cool outside for April, but the clear skies meant it was a good day for travel. They were headed to Rieux for Scarlet and Ze'ev's wedding, which would unfortunately be widely-televised, as it was the first publicized wedding between a Lunar and an Earthen, though Cress was sure it was far more common now.

They'd spent a few days with the couple in the autumn, and Cress loved it there. The golden fields and warm wind made her wish they had spent a month there instead, but she didn't like taking a lot of consecutive time off work. She hated coming back and having to refresh on a project.

Cress finally gave in, walking back to the living room to plop down on the couch while she waited for Thorne to finish getting ready, staring blankly at their suitcases, which were propped up near the door to the Rampion dock.

The dock had been finished for about a month. They'd made plans for the build only a month after Cress moved in. It'd taken six months for them to find a good contractor, and then another year for it to actually be built. A whole year of having their huge and beautiful backyard torn apart so that it could be put back together with a large cargo ship dock beneath it. A whole year of the sounds of construction. It really cut through the otherwise peaceful days on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

The dock was nice. The top was conspicuously covered with grass so that you almost couldn't tell it had ever been disturbed, and it opened so the Rampion could have a smooth ascent straight upwards.

For her part, Cress wasn't sure why they needed to take the Rampion when they could just fly one of the podships, but Thorne insisted that Scarlet and Ze'ev's home didn't have enough rooms, so they needed the extra space. Plus, he'd said, it was a thirteen hour ride and they'd want the extra space to move around.

It was fair, but it was still annoying. Thorne had finally gotten his pilot's license, but that didn't mean he was necessarily a good one, and it made Cress wish she had the time to take piloting lessons herself.

Still waiting, she scrolled through the calendar on her port. Thorne's birthday was a month away, and she still hadn't thought of anything for them to do. She felt bad about that, because he had made sure that they'd spent her 18th birthday in the Icelandic mountains.

Finally, finally, he emerged from the bedroom. "Sitting down?" he said in mock disappointment. "We have places to be!"

Cress jumped up. "Stars above, it's about time."

He held his arms out like he was presenting something. "This kind of handsome takes time, Cress."

He was handsome. His hair was gelled back, he was clean shaven, and she could just catch the scent of his cologne in the air.

She marched over to him, quickly covering the small space between them, and tilted her head back so that she could try to peer down her nose at him, though it wasn't really working. "You don't need to take time! We're about to embark on a _thirteen hour_ trip. You could've gotten ready on the Rampion."

His arms moved to cross over his chest, more mock disappointment etched in his features. "But then I wouldn't look handsome for you, and that's not fair."

Cress smirked at him now, and reached forward to tickle his side. "You always look handsome."

He laughed, grabbing her wrists and gently pushing her back onto the couch. "I disagree. Now c'mon, we have places to be, remember?"

He bent over and hoisted her up over his shoulder and grabbed both of their suitcases by the handles, pulling them behind him. Cress screeched in laughter as he walked with her flung over his shoulder, as he could barely keep both of the suitcases in his hand, and they continually almost toppled over onto the ground.

"Dock lift door, open," he commanded.

Cress tapped her hands on his butt as if she were playing the drums, giggling all the way.

Thorne stepped into the lift that took them to the dock floor and set her down, evenly distributing their suitcases so that he had one handle in each hand.

She shoved him lightly. "You're such a jerk," she joked.

He smiled at her, sincere, and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "I love you, too."

* * *

Once they were in orbit, their ETA set at a solid 12 and a half hours, Cress settled into the cockpit with Thorne. He was looking out at the stars ahead, and she was looking at him.

Cress quirked a smile and reached over to take his hand. "We should do something special for your birthday," she said.

He didn't look over at her, but lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. "We don't need to do anything special. A nice dinner with my girl," he tore his eyes away from the stars now, looking at her, "that's all I really want."

Cress pulled his hand over to her lips, kissing his knuckles like he had hers. "We should do it here, in orbit. We can have a nice dinner in the stars. I'll even cloak the ship so we can disappear for a day."

"I think that that sounds like the best birthday gift ever."

Cress rose to her feet and shuffled over to the captain's chair, sitting across Thorne's lap so that their bodies were perpendicular, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I feel like I could do better, but I'm so bad at celebration ideas."

Thorne leaned over and kissed her, and it was as much of a thrill as it always was. "I think you're wonderful."

They both looked out at the stars together, at the way the sunlight blossomed off the Earthen horizon and lit the oceans so that they glittered, at the way the moon shone bright in the distance, partially shaded by the Earth. It was a beautiful scene, one she had always loved, and moreso now that it was not something that she saw every day. Moreso now that when she saw it, it was with Thorne by her side. Loving her.

She had been bruised and scarred, and Thorne and this life she had now were worth every second of the pain that had been.

She rested her temple against his, and the Rampion continued its voyage over the Earth, and it was quite possibly one of the best days of her life. So far.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : I told you I finished it. ;_; Please review and tell me if it was everything you wanted it to be... and if it wasn't, well, sorry. I'm just so glad it's finally over! And that this was not one for the 'multi chapter fanfics that never got finished' folder! Thanks for sticking around, guys. I'm proud of you. xo


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